west coast Christmas

I have started a post for this blog numerous times in the last month, but always just kinda went, "naaaah" and let it be. So I think it's about time for an update. Though I don't really have anything extremely newsworthy to say, I dont think. We'll see.

Vancouver has found itself in what the locals might call a deep freeze for the last week or so. The temperature has been sitting around -7 I think, which isnt terribly cold, but its colder than its been for a long time. For me and many others I think it just seems normal for this time of year- my roomie Jana was saying that to her it seems like a gift for those people who are missing home right now where the temperatures are much colder and there's a white Christmas- good point. Because it does look like Vancouver will get a white Christmas. I am enjoying it. Though I do miss biking to work, because the bus takes a long time. And also I have run out of bus tickets, though that is a problem that is easily fixed. I must say that Vancouver deals with the snow a lot better than Victoria (from being there last winter when it snowed once)- I guess it has to, being the bustling metropolis it is. But they do seem to have more than one snowplow at least ;).

Work has been going well, I must say that I am really getting quite used to it now, and have really increased my confidence in general for how things are run in the orthopedic trauma world. And people are funny. Here are a few random lines from patients, just from the last couple shifts, that stand out in my head...

" But how do you get a snake out of the toilet?"

" How many pieces of bone in my arm are broken? How is the surgeon going to glue them back together?"

" You and me, we went together, back in 1919"

" Nursey nursey nursey nursey!!"

"I was getting out of bed to try and fix the flat tire!"

" Will you marry me? You will get a million dollars!"

" Who looks after you while your parents are at work?"

" Find me the Chinese radio!"

All of the above are true statements by real patients at Vancouver General Hospital.

Christmas is coming. surprisingy so, I can't believe that its only 6 days ago. I'll be working the the 23rd day shift, and then the nights of the 24th and 25th. It'll be pretty different. There have already been a few "aaah i miss home and being there for Christmas!" moments. Its not easy. But I have good company here still- Mark and Hillary will still be home. And then on the 27th I am going up to Prince George for a week which will be lovely. :)

My eyes are getting blurry in tiredness so I think that's all for now.

Here are the beautiful mountains which i love so much. This is west coast. this is home. one of more than one place which i consider home, but still home. :)

the golden rays of crisp November sunshine touched on the city of Vancouver this morning. and bathed the majestic peaks of the north shore in glorious heavensent light. as the blue sky stretched overhead. and the people below saw the snow above, sprinkled over the peaks by their Maker. this is a glimpse of glory.

sushi

2 posts in one day- what is this? "It's the green tea, my friend, the green tea".

Biked to Grandview, to meet up with Nanc and coincidentally catch the tail end of their church service- then went to Tenth church (i am not trying to sound pious with these multiple churches, it's just the way things go around here on Sundays in order to hang out with good friends who attend multiple churches)...

To sum up the message we heard tonight at Tenth.. a quote from Rob Bell- "No one else gets in this specific, holy, sacred, spiritual, physical way". Marriage is a context like no other.

Went out for sushi after- hence the green tea. I love the connections that can be made with people. Often wherever you go, it seems. You did a course at my university i treeplanted with you your brother is my friend we are from the east you are going to marry that guy who is also my friend my boyfriend grew up in your town but after you you went to my school we were at the same concert in 2005 you also work at VGH you are friends with my friend we are all friends therefore...... its quite amazing.

All the cats in Vancouver come out onto the streets at precisely 11 pm. I have now witnessed it with my very eyes during a late night chat at the curb. Vancouver is beautiful at night. There is quiet and peace to be found in the sleeping streets of the city.

blue-grey-light

this has been an interesting last few days.

First of all I would like to say that I am quite pleased it is already November 16. November seemed to me such a daunting month when I first turned the calendar page. But now the halfway mark is past.

I've been a little under the weather lately and have a tendency to snuffle and sulk and become frustrated with my lackluster health status. I despise feeling ill. I don't like slowing down, I think that's the main problem. I want to not call in sick to work, I want to bike to north Van cause the weather is half decent, I want to sing my heart out in church- but all of the above will probably prolong this state. and so i just. need. to. slow. down. and i have a hard time with that. but i'll keep trying.

something that has been on my mind a bit lately is keeping in touch with people, or more the lack of such. I can (almost) count on one hand the friends from UWO that I still actively communicate with, still know what is going on with them, still call them to catch up and know what is going on with them without resorting to facebook stalking. I think it bothers me that I cant seem to keep in touch with more people. but it is something that does happen when you up and move across the country. and distance is a true test for any relationship. i seem to be learning this a lot lately.

i went on a lovely walk yesterday. there are still always places to discover around here. such as new brighton park. i guess you could say it is east Van's version of Kits beach. quite a nice spot.

You are the only constant in my life amidst the seas of change and uncertainty and hopes and dreams. People fail. You do not. Ever. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

mmmm

all of a sudden it's november. it's strange. sometimes i feel like time is moving eeeeever so sloooowly... but then at the same time, i get sucked into the cycle of work work work play play and the days just tumble one after another into hindsight.

i feel like i should list some things that i am enjoying/ have enjoyed lately.

- sappy romantic movies such as 'PS I love you', and the urges they place in my heart to run off to Ireland and other such green-fielded countries

- the refreshing feeling of biking home in the rain and my favourite spot at the top of Lakewood on the way home on top of a huge hill where I can see Grouse mountain and the lights of North Van

- North vancouver itself (well the mountains behind it) and the lovely hike which we did there on Saturday.. in the rain.. it was awesome. the rain is hardly noticeable due to the high forest canopy and the huge trees... green and lush and fresh and LIFE.

- phone calls

- flannel sheets

- coffee beans

- normal bloodwork, low blood pressures, afebrile temperatures, high O2 sats, and comfortable pulses

- doxologies

Barack Obama is the president of the United States of America. I must say, I think that Americans have it down when it comes to inspiring political speeches. It almost makes me feel this old heart swell with pride and I don't even belong to that country. There's just something about it-- it works for them. Let the triumphant music roll....

mm. i have nothing deep to say at this point. lots of deeper stuff rumbling through my head. but it's clouded over with post=work induced haze. later, peeps.

mmm. not too much to say today.

just thought I better post something cause it's been a while.

anything worth fighting for takes a lot of work. but it's worth it. hold out for the good.

those are my cryptic words of wisdom for today.

biking to poco and other such things

mmm. I have discovered a wonderful new drink. Horlick's. Malty milky warm goodness. Thank you Hillary.

It is pouring rain outside. I've written so many times about how the rains are coming. I think it might be getting kind of annoying. But the weather has been pretty good so far.

Some fun stuff has happened lately. Thanksgiving weekend was great. Biked around Stanley Park. Went to a hockey game. Biked to Port Coquitlam. Went to a housewarming party. Got to go to church. Made a thanksgiving dinner with my roomies for 15 people. Thanksgiving Monday church was great- gave me joy. Made squash soup. Talked to Brian. Drank tea. Had fun.

Then I went to work. Work has been good. Not quite so busy- a bit more manageable. It helps that I had a student today. Funny- that was me six months ago. I like teaching them though. And it also is rather affirming cause I see how far I have come.

In two days I'm going to Ontario. WOOHOO!! For a week (almost) of family goodness.

palpable

i am full of Thanksgiving goodness right now. Our house made dinner for the YWAMers... it was great fun. 15 people over. Mountains of potatoes, lots of veges, an enourmous stubborn yet delicious turkey, and pie to top it all off. Delicious.

life is good in general. there's the trials and little things of course. trying not to worry about things. I have a tendency to let little things get out of proportion in my head. to jump to conclusions and just be plain paranoid. sometimes, just gotta take a deeep breath.

when we sang this in church it gives me shivers... the heartfelt sincerity behind the words overflowing from the hearts of those singing them- you can just FEEL it. soak it in and rejoice in it.

praise God from whom all blessings flow

praise Him all creatures here below

praise Him above ye heavenly host

praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

ALL blessings. indeed. don't forget it.

trust.

il pleut aujourd'hui

It's raining in Vancouver.

I think I'll get used to it. I already know to take advantage of the sunny days, and to get outside. Which makes me cringe when I spend 12 hours of a glorious blue sky day in the hospital..... but on the bright side, it would be far far worse to be a patient in the hospital for countless blue sky days on end....

Besides, tea in the afternoon in my favourite mug is ever so cozy.

I am finding community. And it is good for the soul. The church I'm going to, at least as often as I can (which hasn't been much lately) has Community Night on Wednesdays. Soup, bread, dessert, love. Multiple generations. The little old ladies, the chatty mothers, the hungry college students, the shy ones, the newbies, the squirmy toddlers... everyone comes together. There definitely is something about a shared meal that brings people together. I know there's a lot of good quotes about that, but I can't think of any off the top of my head.

On the flip side, I am missing people that aren't here. The problem with living on one side of the country, however beautiful it may be to live here, is that there are always people living on the other side. And close to the other side- 'back East', as they say here. Perhaps it would be better to live in the middle. Though either way, you've got to travel to see people, and flights are not exactly cheap. (though I must say they are slightly cheaper these days thanks to the elimination of a fuel surcharge though I'm sure there are hidden fees elsewhere in the whole section where your 'seat sale' turns into a whopping total, with one click, right before your very eyes).

Sometimes I find it hard to not always look to what is to come, and instead fully enjoy the present. A good friend of mine jokes about my oft-stated dream to live out in the country with a big backyard, my own forest and some pet sheep and rabbits (alright maybe that is a slight exaggeration). Not exactly the big city life which I have (sort of) got myself into at this moment. But that time will come, maybe not that specifically, but just different places and different things. For now, I know that I've got to be HERE. and embrace the balance of the here and now, and the future. It's all in the hands of the only One who is big enough to create it all, take it all, and love beyond understanding.

it's love, it's love that holds us.

we will be alright.

it's truth, its truth that shows us

as we walk in this life....

- brooke fraser, 'deciphering me'

the perils of high society

The other night I had an interesting evening with my friend Nanc. She was housesitting for someone who owned a 'penthouse' downtown. (When I say penthouse I mean a moderately fancy apartment with over 20 floors and a granite and marble lobby. And a 'concierge'- that is a key fact). Anyway, we biked there and since we had no key-opener thing for the parking garage, brought our bikes in the front lobby. Clearly the logical choice. We were planning on bringing them in the elevator up to the apartment (alright maybe that is slightly abnormal). This is the part where the concierge saw us trying to infiltrate the place and became quite upset- "No bikes in the elevator! I have a loose dog to deal with right now! The tires are going to damage the floors!" And other such great calamities. He opened the garage door for us and made it clear that this extreme problem of ours, not knowing how to get in with our bikes, would be dealt with "on a case by case basis." So we biked into the parking garage, narrowly escaping being crushed by the iron grated gate (not quite, but close- it seemed like that anyway). Found a spot to lock up our bikes amid the bike graveyard (aka a creepy hallway of bike cages). Took the mirrored marbled floor elevator up the the 23rd floor. And drank tea while overlooking the tall office buildings around us. We decided not to close the blinds when we slept cause it looked cool outside. But it became evident in the wee hours that as cities never sleep, neither do the naive country-dwellers who leave the blinds open so the office building lights can shine in all night. Okay, thats a lie. I did sleep. But I did crave darkness, real quiet, real night, as well.

I think the whole thing was just an interesting little evening for me in I learned, or reaffirmed, that I am definitely not a live-in-the-downtown-core in a highride apartment kind of person. I love greenspace, open sky, backyards, quiet streets. Not windows that open 6 inches, dizzyingly carpeted hallways and stacked living, 23 floors at a time.

That was just a little story for you all. It was a fun night. Vancouver and I are becoming quite good friends. Other things to note of late...
I climbed a mountain last week. A real one. Elevation 1441. It was awesome. I love mountains, and now I want to climb some more. That was a stellar day.
Spent a lovely week with Brian. This includes the hike (and some other hikes too). If you don't know who Brian is, you should ask me. He lives in St. John's, Newfoundland. As of Tuesday.

Working the night shift tonight. Hopefully all will be well.

More adjustments to make these next few weeks. Hopefully it all goes well. Must be mindful of many blessings and remember to be a blessing to others.

new beginnings

September is upon us, my dear reader(s). It's hard to believe, I think. Because September sounds like school, which is no more for me, and it also sounds like fall, but it doesn't seem like it's time for fall yet.

On Saturday, I moved. Across the city. Now I live with 4 other lovely roomies in a house (yes, a house! not a basement suite) east of Commercial Drive in Vancouver. I think it's going to be good. I like these girls. I know them fairly well, seeing as one of them is dating my cousin, I have hung out with them all in previous visits to Vancouver, and they were hospitable enough to let me stay here on those visits. Little did they know that I was already eyeing this as a potential place to live way back then... and was trying to get insight into any of their annoying habits. Ha. Just kidding, I really had no idea I would end up living here. Life is funny that way.

So here I am. Living in a real house, with a front porch, back porch, garden (of sorts), big mugs for tea, and a living room with couches. It feels like a home, not a rental. And of course the most important factor contributing to that is the people themselves... its a little mini family. reminds me of the Pink Flamingo, much better than roomies with all separate lives. We even cook for everyone else one night a week. How sweet is that.. ya I thought it was a pretty good arrangement. Much better for the soul than grabbing some frozen stir fry out of the freezer and sitting in front of my computer eating because I don't have a dining room table or anyone to talk with at dinner anyway...

So new beginnings, here we go. New house, new roommates, new commute to work, new church (I'm working on that one), new season.... it's exciting. And I think that I am getting better at this whole transition thing. Slowly. It''s not always smooth sailing, but I know to expect that now.

And I will be here longer than 3 months! As far as I can tell anyway. Its a good improvement from the last 3 places I lived. during the last 8 months. hmm. will be nice to leave this semi-nomadic lifestyle behind for a while..

those summer nights

Summer is winding down. There seems to be a sense of urgency as the weekends approach- 'quick! get out there! do something!' And indeed, Vancouver is giving snippets of its rainy days to us- throwing one in here and there, a reminder of the impending winter- 'this is what's coming, folks, so enjoy the sunshine while you can.'

And indeed I will try to do just that. Yesterday a dear friend surprised me on my porch as I arrived home from a somewhat gruelling dentist apppointment. (I've had worse, but never had a cavity filled while wearing a 'rubber dam', equivalent to having an uninflated balloon stretched over your entire mouth and being told to breathe through your seemingly too-small nostrils while 4 hands cram their way into your already obstructed mouth). But, back to the sun- I went with Nancy down to the park, and we sat on a blanket and talked. And fell asleep in the glorious sunshine while those mountains which I love to talk about loomed across the water.

I really can't believe that today is August 22. It seems that each month goes by even faster than the one before. Am I getting old in that I keep questioning 'where has the time gone?' Is this something that comes with working, especially working in these 4 day chunks where I disappear into the hospital world, then emerge for my days off and leave Vancouver as I have done the last couple times? Either way, change is coming again. But I'm really looking forward to it. At the end of the month I'm moving out- moving across the city, in with some people who I already know and find quite fantastic. It'll be nice to live in a busy place sometimes as much as it'll drive me nuts occassionally too. And I need to find a church and get some roots put down somewhere. Living in a place that I'll be in longer than 3 months, finding a community that I won't be subconsciously already leaving before I even start going there... I think both will work wonders for feeling a little more settled in this place. Which I'll need as fall comes, life goes on, and some people very important to me are very far away.

Life is good though. got much to be thankful for.

Into the wilds

Great weekend. 2 friends plus a good hike and some mountainsides, a cold lake, lots of greenery, packs and boots, and a glorious campsite named Vomit Vista. (glorious view, not glorious for flat spots to put the tent).

The rain was there, all night, which did put a damper on things... But I was actually enjoying hiking out of there in the morning with the rain pouring down and my coat and rain pants and boots on and that sort of closed-in feeling that you get walking with a hood on when its raining- thinking about how it was good we were on our way out not in. (I didn't tell Alex I was enjoying that moment because I think she was thinking otherwise with some leaky boots). Plus the dates and figs and chocolate were so so good.

Now back to work. During the new grad sessions they told us about "stages of reality shock" when you first start this job. I think that I have entered the Shock stage (preceded by Honeymoon, followed by Recovery and Resolution). Description of this stage, straight from my handouts, is as follows..

" Decreased motivation, high anxiety, no sense of humour at work, overly sensitive, people leave their jobs and sometimes the profession if they don't make it through this stage. 'Deer in headlights.' Role frustration, increased fatigue, isolation."

Well. At least I can diagnose myself. I think my main goal right now should be just to get through each shift, get everything done I need to do, and make it home alive.

It'll come. I hope. Just have to be patient. There's a lot of things to be patient about lately it seems.

bleary eyes

Nights are weird. But I'm getting used to them. I worked all day today, but I'm fighting sleep tonight so I can sleep more tomorrow. So far its going okay.

Today was good. First day on my own. It felt good. When I get a little faster I think it'll feel even better.

The sunshine in this city was glorious today. Just fantastic. Gotta soak it up cause the rains are coming... it's kind of like this feeling of impending doom. But I think it'll have its own charms... hopefully. Tea inside with a biscuit? Mmm. Biking in the rain? Ummm.. sure. actually we'll see about that one. I don't know if I can be as hardcore as I was in Victoria.

plink plink ouch

Playing the guitar is therapeutic.

I can now play 2 songs, 1 week into this thing, starting from scratch-
leaving on a jet plane... and brown-eyed girl (though I prefer blue-eyed boy).

They don't sound spectacular, but it's a start.
More to come.

whirlwind

I don't really know how this summer is flying by so fast. Next Friday is August. Not really sure how I feel about that. It was a different sort of summer to begin with. Feels like it started in April, with a month of leisurely 'studying' but more hanging around. Them May turned into 'study during the weekdays, have fun on the weekends'. June was go back to ON- go up to PG- try to figure out my Vancouver life. And July has been more of the latter. With a lovely visit from my dear Pink Flamingos Lindi and Lisa thrown in the mix.

So where does that leave me? Well. 1 month till I move again. Looking forward to living with Hillary and the YWAM peeps. Looking forward to seeing dear friends Nancy and Alex again in August. And hanging out with B more.

And also- getting thrown out of the new grad program at the hospital- August 4 I am ON MY OWN. I'll get up to that 7th floor ortho trauma unit, look on the assignment boad, and see 4-6 patients with MY name in front of them and no one else. Scary. Really scary. But I can do it. There will be many frustrations along the way, and I think I'll learn a lot of stuff the hard way. But I think I'll be ready.

letters

It would not be accurate nor fair to leave you, my few and faithful readers with the labile emotional state which I found myself in nearing the end of last week. (Speaking of readers, I have very little faith in your numbers slash existence, mostly due to the fact that this blog is not publicized anywhere, particularly not on facebook. But that is fine with me. Those who find this may read it, that's how I like it anyway.)

Funny, life is. Funny how you can work yourself into a giant ball of frustration and anger and impatience, and to spend time making up ridiculous scenarios in your head of why things are the way they are. Only to have a pin poked through that balloon and it deflate rapidly by the mere plain and simple, logical explanations of life. People are busy. Things happen. Change. Self- pity doesn't get you anywhere.

I was bemoaning the fact that I felt I had no one to hang out with the other night, when I came across a quote. It went something like this,

"If you feel lonely, forget about yourself. Start pouring your heart, soul, and mind into loving God and those people He has placed around you. Your life will be so full, there will be no time to sing the blues." (words of Steve Shadrach, '4 Songs that SIng the Blues")

So I took that advice. I got some paper, planted myself on the couch, and wrote a letter to a dear friend who I know loves to get mail, as she is living the sometimes hell-sometimes bliss-always extreme life of treeplanting in northern Alberta. And it's always nice to have a letter sitting at the end of that supper table waiting for you after a long, dirty, sweaty day. So I hope I could give her some sunshine.

Also, my roomie came out and sat on the couch with me, and we had a good chat. Which doesn't happen all that much, as our lives pretty much criss-cross each others.

So the adjustment phase continues. Transition. Work is overwhelming but fulfilling and exhilarating at the same time. I have friends coming soon from the east, to see my life in the west. Going back to my lovely island in a week and a half, and also looking forward to a joyful reunion when that happens. :) I've found 2 good churches here in Vancouver, and though it depends on where I live in the fall as far as where I go, it's nice to know they're out there. August is looking lovely for some trips to neat places and quality time spent with quality people.

So that is that. Onward I go.

the city on the ocean

.. don't really know what to say.

it's been a little rough lately.

i'll get through.

hopefully.

Ontar-io-io

This has been a really good trip. Only a couple days left of my time 'back east.'

I feel like I've finished a huge chapter, in some ways.

Wrote the RN exam, which was my last academic pursuit (that I can see at this point anyway). That finished off my schooling for nursing.

Graduated. So I'm done with Western, and London.

Met up with most of my closest friends on this end of the country, filled each other in on our lives, and now I feel satisfactorily caught up. I also feel like a year from now, I won't necessarily be still holding on to all of those friendships- or they will just change. From updating each other on a regular basis to a once in a while reunion. Just a gradual fading. Which might sound sort of negative, but I think its being realistic.

Saw my dear family. Discussed and laughed and had fun and saw how things have changed, yet at the same time how they always stay the same. I'm glad that they let me go. I need to go.
Had renewed eyes for the Ontario landscape- despite its relative humbleness, it still is beautiful. The green Niagara escarpment, known as 'the mountain.' I still call it that too. BC folks might scoff. The farming countryside. The open road of the superhighways. The vast flat blueness of Lake Ontario with Toronto straight across the other side. The sometimes sweltering and stifling humidity. Maples and oaks. Cars with many-lettered license plates. People that all dress fairly ordinarily and look fairly predictable, humble, homey. Cheaper groceries. Milk in bags.

Ontario, my roots are here. My heritage and childhood, most of it. I went to my old high school today. Said hi to my old phys-ed teacher, one of my favourites. Walked the old familiar halls. Crossed the dusty track out back where I thought my heart would explode from too much running. Memories.

But British Columbia. You're home too. And I am very attached to that western province, my west coast. Funny how that can happen so quickly. People are versatile, living in flux.

gearing down

.. or is it gearing up?
to leave this place.
moving out of Victoria. my dear Victoria.

this is a quote from my journal- non-edited..
Never mind, I can't find it- my writing is far too messy.
But I distinctly remember, it went something like this: "this place isn't home, I want to go back to Ontario, to the familiar and to the people I love, who know me for who I am and where I dont have to introduce myself to yet more people every time I go somewhere.. I want to be surrounded by the comfortable.."

Now I look at that and smile. Because this place has become home. I have 2 homes. I feel very blessed to have had this time to experience the west coast. What an Experience, with a capital E, this whole 5 months has been. I am relentlessly glad that I came out here. Looking back- it has been a time of such growth and stretching and learning. Which sounds cliche, but I mean that. I really do. And meeting fantastic people and seeing such beauty in creation and carving out a new niche on this side of the country...
And I have become comfortable. I went to a friend's birthday a while ago, and it was a lot of fun. And after I left, I had a bit of a realization. I knew everyone there. (well, except 1 person, but still). I had met them all. They knew who I was. I didnt haven't have to go through awkward introductions, and remember names, and make small talk. (Don't get me wrong, this all has its place, and meeting people is great- i am a fan. really. ). But sometimes, you just need to be around people who know you. And these people know me. Not super well, but that will come.
And now, there are friends out here, people very dear to me, who know me and who I can be myself regular old self with and reminsce about stuff we've done, and laugh, and discuss, and it's just. so. good.

too bad its over.

But, you know, its ok. there's 2 sides to this coin. Yes, its over. I'm done in Victoria. But there are several points to consider.

a) I might be back. i will be back to visit, and who knows, maybe even back to live. And I'll be able to continue what has been started...

b) it can happen. to find community and friends and a place in a new place- and it will- in Vancouver. it will be different, but it will happen. and i know that sometimes, it'll feel awful. but more of the time, it'll be good.

c) i know this city now, at least a bit. some cool little places. so I can show people around. and pretend that i actually live here even though I only was here for 5 months. woot. :0

thats all, folks. for now anyway.

already playing tour guide with my dear friend Katelin... from ON with love

les cafes

I really like coffee shops. Sometimes, I think, abnormally so. I love to go to good old Starbucks, bring my journal, get a drip coffee and a biscotti (or a bigger indulgence if I feel like it such as a vanilla latte and piece of cake) and just sit, in that atmosphere they have concocted so well. and write. Let it pour forth. When I need to process things, its a great place to be. I know other people who do this as well, on a regular basis, so it's not that weird- just a disclaimer- everyone needs their outlet. Plus I love sweet goodies with the balancing taste of coffee. 'de coffee and de kookie' it's in my Dutch blood.

I think that the west coast has rubbed off on me, because I used to always go to Tim Hortons, and S-bucks was reserved for special occasions and coffee dates with friends. But now, I frequent the latter a lot more- perhaps too much- but its just got so much of a better atmosphere. perhaps I am turning into a coffee snob. I hope not.

Anyway, thats about all I have to say. But I felt like posting about something trivial rather than deep thoughts. Or vague deep thoughts, as they probably come across on this blog, since I don't want to mention any identifying details of any people, places, or situations that I encounter- just because it's a blog. And blogs are meant to be mysterious to a certain extent.

it's going to be a good weekend I think. my last full weekend to be steeped in Victoria-ness.

onward

rocks

not a good day.
cookies without eggs suck. floury sticky rocks.
stupid cat seems to think my bed is his chosen throne in this house. gets cat hair all over my duvet and i'm scared he's going to claw me to shreds so i can't throw him off and instead watch him helplessly, resenting that this dumb creature has the upper hand in this relationship.
sick of studying. but have to keep plugging away at it. know i've got a lot more to do and not much time to do it.
stewing over other things as well.

i just want to go run along the breakwater and let all my cares slide off and down to the ocean floor...

the pull

Here I am, plugging away at studying for the RN exam. I'm actually learning quite a bit. It's amazing how much we learned during the 4 years, and equally amazing how much of it I have forgotten. But a couple more weeks and I think I'll be okay- slow and steady.

A lot has been going on lately. sometimes its a little bit hard to get my head around. some worry going on too. scared. heart's getting pulled. so much change. I only have 2 1/2 weeks left in Victoria. Then Ontario, then Vancouver. can't stop it so just gotta go with it...

"God guides us, despite our uncertainties and our vagueness, even through our failings and mistakes.. He leads us step by step, from event to event. Only afterwards, as we look back over the way we have come... do we experience the feeling of having been lead without knowing it, the feeling that God has mysteriously guided us" Paul Tournier

H2O Go

waves. torrents of water.
constant. liquid, surrounding, salty and fresh.
living. always moving. ebb and flow.
calm, peaceful, yet there it comes. rumbling in the distance. tingling in your ears.
and then
hold your breath. take the plunge.
roar, crash, foam, breakers of white on blue.
under. and up again for air.


kind of like life. and oh how I love it.

RN

I got the job. :)
Vancouver General Hospital, Orthopaedic Trauma, 7th floor, RN, full time.
Start date June 24. I am an employee of Vancouver Coastal Health.

Scary, really. I'm going to have my very own patients. No preceptor, no clinical instructor, just me. Good thing there's a lot of support there for new grads, cause there's sooooo much to learn. But I look forward to it. For now, though, I'm enjoying these 2 months off.

Camping, surfing, more camping coming up- it's pretty fantastic actually. Supplemented by studying for the CRNE so I actually get to work in that glorious hospital, rather than having my temp license ripped out of my little hands when they find out that I fail. It'll be a relief to get that monster of that exam over with.

Victoria is a beautiful place right now. Sun shines, birds sing, cherry blossoms blowing in the wind, flowers everywhere, and the ocean just a stone's throw away. That's kind of a weird expression. But from the top of Mt Tolmie, if I had amazing arm strength, it seems like I could almost throw a rock into that huge blue pond...

What a crazy time right now though. I have 26 days left in Victoria. That's not much, not much at all. I'm going to miss this place, and the ties are getting stronger to this little island. I never would've thought, when I came here to BC in January, that this was how things would pan out... and the adventure continues :)

blue ocean. blue sky. peace is creeping in.
thanks, pants.

April days

What a month. What a semester. What a year.

The waffling and flip-flopping and happy-happy to sad-sad and all the little spots in between- the allure of a new place and the gentle tugging of roots in the old. Sometimes drowning, floundering, yet building that new little community bit by bit- back of the mind says its transient, don't hold on too tightly, heart says you never know and some friends are friends for life. Hesitating to make the leap yet again, yet knowing that to stay will not work. struggling with an organized and efficient nature that fights the idea of sitting back and relaxing, yet slowly is warming up to the idea morning by peaceful morning. lots of room to breathe. think. what a gift, really. May. each day- "What do you have for me Lord?" each month. each year. this LIFE.

norah jones softly playing in the living room. spaghetti sauce simmering on the stove. french bread, salad, noodles. table set for 4.

this is the scene in my house right now. je suis contente.

still waiting in terms of jobs and such. but you know, it's okay.

funny how emotions just wrestle with us eh? or rather we wrestle with them. either way. it's so easy to get caught up in a particular mindset. to get all in a dither about something, but then when you really sit back and ponder it, realize its not such a big deal after all. to worry about how things are going to turn out. to fret cause you think something is a lost cause. but then slowly and surely, like a warm blanket, reassurance comes.

if i find my way

throught the darkest of days

will i laugh about the things that kept me awake?

but if my greatest fear

paints itself so crystal clear

will i run away, or will i hide

and if I dont come home tonight

just know i tried my best to fight

please dont think i planned to lose to the night

and crystal moon so dull and bright

my heavy soul cant stand the light

it burns me straight to the bones, my bones...

- rocky votolato, 'wrong side of Reno'

sounds so simple, the previous post. but it's not.
i'm officially done my shifts and i already feel like i'm drowning in the pool of post-graduation unknownness...
aaargh.

its been great living with Aunt J+ Uncle J. But, the time has come to move out. They need their space again, to live a quiet retired life, without me and my crazy schedule of work and late nights and eating all of their bread and cereal. :)

so.. i must go. the time has come. but where?

well...

i have a place to live! i have a place to live!

with Elisabeth and friends.

Stockton Cres, Gordon Head- a yard full of trees, a comfortable couch, and a nice kitchen with mugs and a teapot- s'all I need, friends.

Victoria in summer.. here I come. Place to live- check. Need a job. Need to finalize my nursing job. Need a place to live in Vancouver. it'll all come with time.. trying not to worry bout it.

Oh, I suppose I never did fill you in on what the plan was. You faithful invisible blog readers, even if there are only a few. 'what?! she's staying in victoria? but i thought she was going to vancouver? wait wasn't vic the plan all along? stupid girl changes her mind like the wind.' sort of. sometimes. it depends. but this is fast and firm now, this one..

I want to begin my nursing career in Vancouver. But I don't want to leave Victoria yet. Hence, the express route of graduating high school, uni '04, '08 has been halted, somewhat. I'm going to spend the summer in Victoria. Study for the RN exam in my spare time. Go back to ON in June for a couple weeks- exam, convocation, Tara's wedding. And here, on the island- live it up. Lots of social time, lots of friends over and exploring the place and meandering along the beach and wandering downtown and biking everywhere... in the meantime getting a little job at a bakery or coffee shop of some sort. Then start, hopefully, at Vancouver General Hospital in August. Fresh and ready to go.

sounds good to me.

weekend musings

Easter sunrise service at Gyro Park. No sun. No rise. Just rain. But people, healed by the rain, the rain of the mercy and grace and miracle of this day. Singing praises with a banjo and some bongos. Umbrellas and hoods. And three wooden crosses, in front of an expanse of ocean. how wide and how deep....

Betrayed with a kiss. A sign of love, life. But now, a step down the road of suffering. Death.

A rugged wooden cross. Sign of death. Now a ticket to life. A sign of love unfathomable.

'how wide and how long, how high and how deep is the love of Christ Jesus our Lord'

Pooch

Spot- aka Pooch

July 11, 1998- March 21, 2008

I know she's just a rabbit. But it's amazing how animals carve out these little places in our hearts. Almost 10 years old- not bad for a bunny, I must say. Born and died in the same backyard. She was stubborn and crochety, but also really cute, and affectionate in a grumpy sort of way- especially once you managed to catch her and wrap her up in a towel like a baby.

I've always had a pet rabbit, or multiple rabbits, starting in 1994. 14 years! I guess that this is the beginning of a new era, and another time of transition, in that I probably won't be getting a pet again till I settle down a bit more. Hmm, maybe a litterbox-trained house rabbit? Now that would be fun. :)

just breathe

Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, "Susan." Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. "You have listened to fears, child," Aslan said. "Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?" ~Clive Staples Lewis

ever onward marches time

I only have 9 shifts left. This alone causes feelings of slight panic. I'm almost done. I've been here for only a little over 2 months and I'm almost done, and I have to decide what the next step is.

Looking back, I realized that I have mentioned more than enough times in this blog about how I have to decide what to do with my life. But it does seem like a pretty big deal. I guess its typical of finishing up school and moving on to the next step. I definitely go through waves in my feelings on the matter. Right now, it's more on the side of, "aaaaaaah!".

I got offered a job in Ottawa yesterday. I don't know what to do about it. I was pretty sure that I was going to stay in BC. (I still am, upon a deep moment of self-reflection and honest soul-searching). But then, its like I'm stepping into the unknown, because that job in Ottawa is for sure. My prospects here aren't even close to that point yet.

But, I will stay in BC. I am staying in BC. I like this place. I do miss people back home. Ontario holds many souls who are dear to me and close to my heart. I miss the familiarity of a place that I lived in for 17 years of my life. There's a lot of history there. I miss little things like the snow, and the down-to-earth conservative traditional family-ness of Ontarioans (how's that for a blanket statement? haha), and milk that comes in bags.

Here, though, I like it. The place is beautiful. The ocean and mountains. The opportunities to get out there and bike and hike and camp. The excitement of living somewhere new. Of learning so much more about myself and about faith and life and love and living as I go through more and more days on this other side of the country. And most of all, the people. There are amazing people everywhere. There are people I have met here who mean so much to me already. And I feel like this is only the beginning.

So for now, I'll just piddle around with some short term plans. Where I want to be in April, and probably the summer. After the summer... well, maybe back to ON I'll go. Or not. Things might be very different by August. Life changes so fast. Ottawa? Vancouver? Alberta? All in due time.

Goodnight.

if i was born in Ontario, does that mean i'm 22 now, or 22 in 3 hours?

:)

a beautiful morning. stumbling out of the tent and gradually waking up as I walk down to the beach, silent and calm. sun rising shrouded in mist. tide up again. never would you know that the night before it was low and mysterious, revealing crunchy things to step on and a mysterious seal barking, beckoning us to catch him if we could. bathing in campfire smoke all night, laughing and singing, songs we would never voice in daylight when it seems people are more critical, eyes are more sharp, personas less bold. going to bed, early yet it seems so late away from the artificial extension of light. shivering with nothing but a supposedly 'warm' sleeping bag to shield from the crisp night air, awakening to this new day. crows cawing. could be anywhere- Ontario in July, or BC in Feburary. forgetting about the cold. savouring a muffin for breakfast and a smore. sitting around the fire meandering until midday. this, my friends, is camping. this is what i love.

breezy days

It seems to me that spring has come to Vancouver Island. And it is the end of February. It's quite lovely.

Despite the fact that the weather is great, I do think that eventually I would miss my Ontario extremes... the west coast is almost the land of the monoseason. Green with sun and rain, green with rain, green with sun... theres not HOT humid BRIGHT fall colours COLD snowy GREEN spring. But I am likely judging too soon.

I worked night shift last night and the night before. It was interesting. Its tiring, not because its so busy, but because staying up all night is really strange. It involves lots of sneaking around with flashlights checking on people. I am becoming quite talented at listening for breathing. And checking IVs in the dark. The 2 nights I were there for were fairly quiet, apparently, but I can see how things could get crazy at a moments notice. Even last night, 2 of my 4 patients in the room were throwing up, IVs were beeping, and someone was running a fever. Its a strange world.

Today I went to Starbucks for a meeting with a woman from the new grad nurse hiring program here in Victoria. Got the wheels turning in my head a bit. I've applied to quite a few places now and in the next couple weeks am going to follow up with some of them so I'll see what happens.

I would just like to say that one of the greatest parts of living here in Victoria is how I can bike everywhere. It's a great way to get around.

Had a great time camping and exploring last weekend on my days off when my good treeplanting friend Nancy came to visit. Big trees, expansive ocean, fluctuating tides, crackling campfire, blue skies. it was all there. fantastic. I had lots of fun taking pictures too- I think photography is my new 'hobby'. (If you could call it that- I don't have a fancy camera and I just take the same kind of shots all the time which I have found to look cool. :)

I saw Juno with a couple of friends on Saturday. Loved it. Juno is a great character. It's got some good underlying themes that are woven in seamlessly- relationships take work but are ever so worth it. adoption is a good option. life is precious. is it ever.

to be a nurse

I am done my 4 day shifts.

they were good. I must shamelessly admit that I am proud of my own progress. I'm going to be ready to work as a full RN in a few months. there's so much to learn, though. There are a few nurses who work on my floor, including my preceptor, who I respect so much- they're been doing this for years and years, and they're amazing at their job- 'supernurses'. They can spot complications in the blink of an eye, they know what to do in all the tricky situations... its pretty amazing. I aspire to be like them.

funny story. One of my patients is a little old man, we'll call him George. Now, George had surgery before, during which he went into cardiac arrest and nearly died, but they did CPR and revived him on the operating table. He had been told about this and was very grateful to the surgeon for saving his life. George had left our unit to go to a different one, for people who are less sick (rehab) but suddenly took a turn for the worst so they had to operate on him again. This was last night. He woke up in his bed back on the ward, at about 3 30 am, and was so thankful to be alive that he voiced his thanks, despite the other 3 people in the room- in a loud voice, "I'm alive! I'm alive!" George was thrilled. His roommates were not. His partial deafness makes him speak quite loudly. This morning, when I went in to hang his IV and check him over, he proclaimed in a loud voice, "I would just like to apologize to you all for what happened last night, I was just so happy to be alive! I made it through again, i had to celebrate!" This was at 7am and his roommates were still sleeping, tired from his 'celebrating.' So, they woke up again.. but all snodded in agreeement and one even said, "We're glad too, George."

I just thought it was cute. You kind of had to be there, but still...

one of the great parts about working with people is that they are all so very different.

I am really looking forward to these days off. I've got a hike in the works, my dear friend Nanc is coming to visit, and we're even going camping with some fun people 'up island' later on (it's reading break at UVic). so I am content. Life has gotten sunnier. Or more accurately, I guess that I've chosen, or am trying to choose, to embrace the 'rainy' parts. Such as missing people dear to me, and the looming unknown, and feeling like I've got one foot in ON and one foot in BC and the gap between them is widening. But worrying is pointless... and really, life is good.

more to come, I will update this week.

today it rained. both out the door, and in my mind.

i miss people. i miss the way things were, though then i was wishing that they were the way they are now. funny how that happens.

transitions come with tears, though. a wise friend told me that when i was telling her that i still didn't know if i was coming out here or not.

gotta remember the big picture of blue.

the big picture of blue

Something cool that I have noticed about flying is that it's always sunny up there. I know that this is because you are above the clouds, in a different layer of the atmosphere, etc etc (being a nurse rather than a meteorologist I don't really know what I am talking about scientifically).

But it gets me thinking that God sees the big picture. A popular view of heaven, which we will not know the truth of until we get there, is that it's up in the sky, above the clouds.
This kind of gets me thinking when I fly (okay, the two times that I have flown in the last year). Because when I look out of the little round window of that plan, and up straight up- all I see is deep blue space. I feel like I'm looking straight up into heaven- straight up into that huge expanse of blue. Where everything is so astronomically big, as far as the eye can see, thousands of metres above the little earth where we are all so tiny, living out our little lives.

God does see that big picture. He's up in the blue, and He can see infinitely off into the distance, even when it's raining down below. Or snowing. Or we're in a complete blizzard. Beyond our shortsighted roads and houses and dreams and plans. He sees blue. It's coming.

february days

i feel like i've done so much thinking lately. about who i am and what i should be doing with my life and where God really wants this girl and what my priorities should be. good, soul churning stuff. to be patient, and just to sit back and let things unfold. and to know, always, that its not about me. at all. i'm just a silly girl living life on this earth trying not to mess things up, but continually failing, and returning again and again to rest in the grace of a God who is far bigger than i can ever comprehend.

there is nothing like

a bar of dark chocolate, slightly softened, that melts in your mouth. the open expanse of the ocean. the fresh feeling of the wind on your face as you spend the afternoon outside. family. comaraderie in peeling carrots and making meals. beaches at night, and the way that the waves roar against the rocks. climbing. greenness. coffee shops. talking, and talking some more. sunshine that you can feel against your eyeballs. new friends.

and

a quiet assurance that everything is going to be okay. right now, there is no need to worry. no need to worry about tomorrow, for it will indeed worry about itself.

drained

good day. i've done 3 of 4. i always get this really weird feeling after a few 12 hour shifts. like i walk around with my eyes half closed, yet at the same time i feel like being social- but just low maintenance-social where i can be dumb and tired.
i've learned sooo much in the past few days. many nursing skills that i've never done before, ever. a lot of them probably not what you want to talk about around the dinner table. :)
and also- there's snow here! argh! it's really annoying, because i can't bike to the hospital, so i have to bum rides. and i hate looking for rides. the bus doesnt get there nearly early enough for me.
oh well, if that's the only thing i have to complain about, the fact that i cant bike to the hospital- life is pretty good. it always gives me new appreciation for good health and not having to be confined to a wheelchair, have crazy bowel alterations (like stomas! you don't want one of those!), have to puke my guts up every time i eat, or other similar ills. Its nice to be able to help people out who do have to deal with these kinds of things- often, coping with grace that is a shining example to the healthy folk.

The happenings

Well, I'm almost done my 4 days off before I dive into my next set of 4 day shifts. And I must say that I am quite content. I'm actually not even minding the fact that tomorrow I have to get up at 5:50 am, stumble around bleary-eyed getting ready, and then bike to the hospital in a semi-alert state. As I eat breakfast I am always listening with dread for the pelting of rain on the skylights, and peering out the window to see if the deck is slick and shiny- so far, so good. On my 8 commuting trips it's only rained once, and I wouldn't call it rain, more of a light shower.
But getting back to the content factor. These 4 days were quite fantastic. First of all, Tuesday. It so happens that my good friend named Nanc has a good friend named Janis who has a good brother named Ryan. Ryan goes to UVic, and Nanc told him, well more kindly suggested I suppose, that I don't really know many people in Victoria yet and he shoudl show me around. Well he fully took this idea and ran with it, being very hospitable. So on Tuesday night I went with Ryan, his friend Alex, and another friend of Alex's, Lewis, downtown to hand out some meals to the homeless and have some conversations with them. I returned home feeling abundantly thankful for all the blessings in my life, and humbled to be able to show some love to some of these people.
Wednesday was another gloriously sunny day, I went with Ryan and Teebo, his dog, on a very cute little black and white checkered scooter (yes, 2 people and 1 dog on a scooter, it was amusing) up to the base of Mount Doug, which is a fairly decent sized mountain (not snow capped or anything, but still a climb) at the edge of the city. We climbed said mountain and the view was amazing. Could see all the way to Vancouver, the mountains in Washington, and the ocean all around. I loved it. There are so many beautiful places on this island. I am itching to explore more of it, that will come I suppose.
Last night I went to a new college and career group, once again courtesy of Ryan as it was at his church. Met some really great people, the girls in particular were very welcoming and 'took me in' right away. The type of people you just want to hug because you are so thankful that they are being so friendly! There's something amazing about Christian community too. Here I am, 4000 kms away from home- there was a map beside me on the wall which made Canada look huuuuge and southern ON really far away. But we're singing the same songs and these people all believe the same thing and we're all one family, really. That's the way is supposed to be. Imagine in heaven when people from all over the world are there singing... amazing.
Tonight I'll go to IVCF at UVic, and then tomorrow morning bright and early it's back to the hospital. Who knows what adventures are in store for these next shifts... that's one of the things I like about nursing, it's spectacularly unpredictable.

my surroundings

Here are some pictures of my new surroundings. The trail that I take to the hospital (quaintly called the Galloping Goose) first of all. I went in late on Sunday morning since I had stayed late the night before to watch surgery- hence riding in the light and being able to take pictures.

Speaking of the surgery, I was able to stand RIGHT next to the surgeons and look down into this man's open abdomen as they did bowel surgery on him. Quite amazing, all the stuff that is going on in there.

The other pictures are of the hospital. I'm on the the 7th floor. The road with the beautiful tall trees is the road going into the hospital. I love these trees. Most patients have an amazing view out of their window, whether it is of the city and the distant mountains (on clear days) or these tall peaceful trees.

More to come...

settling

This place is starting to feel more like home.

Today I explored some more. Yesterday I climbed my first BC mountain. Mount Tolmie. I don't think they really consider it to be a mountain, but my Ontario classification determines it to be a mountain. :)

Tomorrow I have my first shift at the hospital! I'm excited. I've had my orientation days there and now I'm ready to see some real patients. They remind me that I really do love this job.

Biking here is fantastic. Victoria is a city meant to be biked. With the warm weather and the bike-friendly roads, it makes it a lot of fun. There's so many places that I want to go and see.

Just for nosalgia's sake, and because I love pictures, I'll post a couple randoms. Not from BC (yet), when I get more I'll post an album or something but I haven't done much picture-taking yet. It'll come.

I'm learning so much. It really shakes a person up to move to a new place, I think. I'm learning to be patient, to be brave, to trust, and to just go for things. To cling to God when it feels a little too quiet out here. And to go for the opportunities that He places before me. To do my work with joy and to appreciate creation. Tonight there was a glorious sunset- which apparently is fairly commonplace around here- but the pink sky was so beautiful to me. I love the sky, and clouds, and being outside.

which also begs the question, should I go planting again this summer?

We'll see.

Have a good day, wherever you are, whatever you're doing- take some time to slow down and breathe life in way down to your toes.