gearing down

.. or is it gearing up?
to leave this place.
moving out of Victoria. my dear Victoria.

this is a quote from my journal- non-edited..
Never mind, I can't find it- my writing is far too messy.
But I distinctly remember, it went something like this: "this place isn't home, I want to go back to Ontario, to the familiar and to the people I love, who know me for who I am and where I dont have to introduce myself to yet more people every time I go somewhere.. I want to be surrounded by the comfortable.."

Now I look at that and smile. Because this place has become home. I have 2 homes. I feel very blessed to have had this time to experience the west coast. What an Experience, with a capital E, this whole 5 months has been. I am relentlessly glad that I came out here. Looking back- it has been a time of such growth and stretching and learning. Which sounds cliche, but I mean that. I really do. And meeting fantastic people and seeing such beauty in creation and carving out a new niche on this side of the country...
And I have become comfortable. I went to a friend's birthday a while ago, and it was a lot of fun. And after I left, I had a bit of a realization. I knew everyone there. (well, except 1 person, but still). I had met them all. They knew who I was. I didnt haven't have to go through awkward introductions, and remember names, and make small talk. (Don't get me wrong, this all has its place, and meeting people is great- i am a fan. really. ). But sometimes, you just need to be around people who know you. And these people know me. Not super well, but that will come.
And now, there are friends out here, people very dear to me, who know me and who I can be myself regular old self with and reminsce about stuff we've done, and laugh, and discuss, and it's just. so. good.

too bad its over.

But, you know, its ok. there's 2 sides to this coin. Yes, its over. I'm done in Victoria. But there are several points to consider.

a) I might be back. i will be back to visit, and who knows, maybe even back to live. And I'll be able to continue what has been started...

b) it can happen. to find community and friends and a place in a new place- and it will- in Vancouver. it will be different, but it will happen. and i know that sometimes, it'll feel awful. but more of the time, it'll be good.

c) i know this city now, at least a bit. some cool little places. so I can show people around. and pretend that i actually live here even though I only was here for 5 months. woot. :0

thats all, folks. for now anyway.

already playing tour guide with my dear friend Katelin... from ON with love

les cafes

I really like coffee shops. Sometimes, I think, abnormally so. I love to go to good old Starbucks, bring my journal, get a drip coffee and a biscotti (or a bigger indulgence if I feel like it such as a vanilla latte and piece of cake) and just sit, in that atmosphere they have concocted so well. and write. Let it pour forth. When I need to process things, its a great place to be. I know other people who do this as well, on a regular basis, so it's not that weird- just a disclaimer- everyone needs their outlet. Plus I love sweet goodies with the balancing taste of coffee. 'de coffee and de kookie' it's in my Dutch blood.

I think that the west coast has rubbed off on me, because I used to always go to Tim Hortons, and S-bucks was reserved for special occasions and coffee dates with friends. But now, I frequent the latter a lot more- perhaps too much- but its just got so much of a better atmosphere. perhaps I am turning into a coffee snob. I hope not.

Anyway, thats about all I have to say. But I felt like posting about something trivial rather than deep thoughts. Or vague deep thoughts, as they probably come across on this blog, since I don't want to mention any identifying details of any people, places, or situations that I encounter- just because it's a blog. And blogs are meant to be mysterious to a certain extent.

it's going to be a good weekend I think. my last full weekend to be steeped in Victoria-ness.

onward

rocks

not a good day.
cookies without eggs suck. floury sticky rocks.
stupid cat seems to think my bed is his chosen throne in this house. gets cat hair all over my duvet and i'm scared he's going to claw me to shreds so i can't throw him off and instead watch him helplessly, resenting that this dumb creature has the upper hand in this relationship.
sick of studying. but have to keep plugging away at it. know i've got a lot more to do and not much time to do it.
stewing over other things as well.

i just want to go run along the breakwater and let all my cares slide off and down to the ocean floor...

the pull

Here I am, plugging away at studying for the RN exam. I'm actually learning quite a bit. It's amazing how much we learned during the 4 years, and equally amazing how much of it I have forgotten. But a couple more weeks and I think I'll be okay- slow and steady.

A lot has been going on lately. sometimes its a little bit hard to get my head around. some worry going on too. scared. heart's getting pulled. so much change. I only have 2 1/2 weeks left in Victoria. Then Ontario, then Vancouver. can't stop it so just gotta go with it...

"God guides us, despite our uncertainties and our vagueness, even through our failings and mistakes.. He leads us step by step, from event to event. Only afterwards, as we look back over the way we have come... do we experience the feeling of having been lead without knowing it, the feeling that God has mysteriously guided us" Paul Tournier

H2O Go

waves. torrents of water.
constant. liquid, surrounding, salty and fresh.
living. always moving. ebb and flow.
calm, peaceful, yet there it comes. rumbling in the distance. tingling in your ears.
and then
hold your breath. take the plunge.
roar, crash, foam, breakers of white on blue.
under. and up again for air.


kind of like life. and oh how I love it.

RN

I got the job. :)
Vancouver General Hospital, Orthopaedic Trauma, 7th floor, RN, full time.
Start date June 24. I am an employee of Vancouver Coastal Health.

Scary, really. I'm going to have my very own patients. No preceptor, no clinical instructor, just me. Good thing there's a lot of support there for new grads, cause there's sooooo much to learn. But I look forward to it. For now, though, I'm enjoying these 2 months off.

Camping, surfing, more camping coming up- it's pretty fantastic actually. Supplemented by studying for the CRNE so I actually get to work in that glorious hospital, rather than having my temp license ripped out of my little hands when they find out that I fail. It'll be a relief to get that monster of that exam over with.

Victoria is a beautiful place right now. Sun shines, birds sing, cherry blossoms blowing in the wind, flowers everywhere, and the ocean just a stone's throw away. That's kind of a weird expression. But from the top of Mt Tolmie, if I had amazing arm strength, it seems like I could almost throw a rock into that huge blue pond...

What a crazy time right now though. I have 26 days left in Victoria. That's not much, not much at all. I'm going to miss this place, and the ties are getting stronger to this little island. I never would've thought, when I came here to BC in January, that this was how things would pan out... and the adventure continues :)