new beginnings

Today is the second-last day of 2007.

2008 is just around the corner.

This is the year that's been dangling in front of me like a carrot for a while now- 'Class of 2008' on all my nursing nametags, the year I will graduate, the first year in my life where I have no idea where I will be one year from now.

Scary. But also deliciously exciting.

Like a fresh new flower. (I had to make it connect to the flower picture somehow, cause I wanted to post it, 'cause they're so beautiful- Westbrook Greenhouses grows them well...)

Musings

Here I am, about to leave for BC in.. hmm. Let me see. 10 days. Crazy.

I am so excited and scared at the same time.

I’m excited for the opportunities. For bringing my nursing skills outside of London and learning more, and going to the beautiful coast, and living with Uncle Joe and Aunt Janette. Exploring new places. Visiting friends and cousins who live out west. Learning to surf. Going hiking. Learning to snowboard on some huge western slope. Following my dream. Figuring out what my next step in life is going to be.

I’m scared of the unknown. Of only knowing 2 souls in Victoria. The awkwardness of being the new person. The high expectations on me as a nurse coming all the way from Ontario. Of the loneliness of being in a new place. Being without my friends who I can go to coffee with and spill my guts. Being without people who know me and who I am and what I love and what I do.

I’m going to miss London. Miss the friends for life that I have made there. Even miss the school scene, sometimes. The satisfaction of assignments finished. The environment of the world of academia, though at the same time I’m really starting to crave the ‘real world’.

This is such a huge change. In the sense that it is the most unplanned thing that I’ve ever done. There is so much that I will have to figure out. Working at the park- I go, live in the staffhouse, there’s not a whole lot of room for choice. Go to university- make my way through a program, live in residence in first year, follow the plan. Treeplanting- live with a bunch of people my own age, and though its an adventure, also have my life dictated by my foreman and supervisor. But now, this is the beginning of a whole new leg of this journey called life. Where will I find my first ‘real’ job, where will I begin to find my community, where will I live and love and call home?

I need to remember what my wise friend said- in times of transition, its okay to have fears. Its okay to have doubts. I am going to come out on the other side of this. There’s no where to go but forward, no way I can move now but westward. So here I go. Soon. Just got to trust.

Above photo is perhaps slightly irrelevant but reminds me of fantastic summer '07.

Christmas

Merry Christmas to all.

Closer

A road stretched out before her
The path not to be seen
She pondered, questioned, wondered
Just where this path would lead
Yet Jesus gently whispered
‘My daughter, do not fear
Thought worries, doubts, and unknowns loom
I’m always, always here’
Indeed she marvelled at His hand
His plan unfolding still
For just when questions screamed too loud
The answers He’d fulfill
A yes was giv’n, a go ahead
The next step made quite clear
Amidst her joy, and newfound trust
God walking with her near.

the end is nigh

Tomorrow morning I will write the last exam of my university career. It's quite a strange thought. I don't think it has really sunk in that THIS time when I leave London and drive east down the 401, I'm not coming back- at least not for any extended period of time. I've come out on the other side of the 3 1/2 years of classes for this degree and now all I need is a solid 450 hours of clinical time- which I'm going to be completing at Victoria General Hospital- Victoria- Vancouver Island- British Columbia- Canada!! It's such a wild thought- that I'm going to pack my bags and take my nursing skills to the other side of the country. Part of me is terrified, but more of me is excited. I've wanted to do this for a long time.

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

- Leonard Cohen

yams and ketchup

Sitting in front of the computer eating a bowl of yams doused with ketchup. Sometimes I have to laugh at myself. No, that is not the extent of my cooking abilities. But it doesn't take much to make me happy, and if said nourishment will satisfy me for dinner, I'll take it.

Life is interesting lately. This final semester of classes has been a whirlwind of emotions, and the last couple of months have not been easy. My world has been shaken up, and things are not near how I thought they would be when I set foot back in London at the beginning of the semester.A friend asked me today whether I look toward the new year with fear, or with hope. I honestly told him that one day it will be fear- am I ready to be so independent in the hospital with my own patients, are they going to have really high expecations of me if I go all the way to BC from ON, am I even going to be in BC in January? And then the next day it will be hope- excitement at the prospect of living on the coast, thrill with the possibilities of life, eagerness to start this profession which I love and have educated myself for, and joy for things to come. But one small trigger and I'm off into the spiral of fear again, or doubt- can't I just learn to trust?

I've been doubting myself lately. I always thought that I was a fairly stable person. Level-headed, practical, even-keel. But this year seems to be proving otherwise. The same friend told me that it was to be expected for this boundary zone of life. Finishing with the safety net of school, leaving the strict ridgidity of education which I have been funnelled through for the past 17 years, to be dumped into 'the real world' like cereal falling out of the wrong end of the box.