What a day.
So busy at work- I could've cried. Too much to do. Too many patients. Three pokes at three ropey veins in a little old lady's arm. No blood. In the hallway, too. Not the worst thing, but just one of many things.
Then at 5 minutes to shift change. Right before my twelve hours here is over. Woman comes in, something's not right. Normal ultrasound today, now something is dreadfully wrong. Gush of fluid. Get her in, get her on the stretcher, doctor and two RN's in there... the baby is coming out. But the baby has only been in that warm, safe, secret place for 19 weeks.
But he or she is coming out. That tiny little life. Not ready for outside life yet. Quick, get obstetrics. Luckily they're just down the hall. "I'm sorry, you've lost the baby". She starts to weep. And weep. We call in the husband, he's there, holding her hand and speechless and so awkward and helpless. "We prayed for so long" "Seven years trying, no drugs, no treatments, just hope." Finally, this long awaiting pregnancy, and now their hope and their dream is leaving her body, their arms, their life. Husband says, "don't worry sweetie. We can try again. We can try again." What else can he say? I start her IV. Saline drips in, then oxytocin. What cannot be put back in their rightful spot is now stuck in limbo, and must come out.
I look down. Baby's feet and legs. Tiny little legs, but so unmistakeably fully formed little limbs. You knit me together in my mother's womb. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Even if none of those days were in a mother's arms, only from beneath a mother's heart and straight up to heaven. A Father's arms.
Tears down my face. Down our doctor's face, holding the woman's hand as she likely feels her own 20 week old life kicking inside. Trying to be strong, but not hiding our grief for them. This is empathy and this is our job and sometimes it touches the very soul.
I come out of the room to get some warm blankets. Then the tears flow. The charge nurse sees me come out and leads me away and puts her arm round my shoulder. I stand stunned at the desk.
Meanwhile the 45 year old woman in 19 has no idea that her 6 week gradually increasing, now excruciating headache is from an ever growing tumour. Simple outport Newfoundlanders... she is stomach-sick, not nauseous, and she just takes the tyl'nol and hopes it will go away. But it didn't. And now, it likely won't. More death.
I leave the hospital and I walk through the snow and go find my husband and hug him as tight as I can. And cry. "I'm here".
Death and tears... love and life.
What a day.
I have tried to leave out any identifying details for the sake of patient confidentiality. But it is all true. And it all happened very recently. This is a job like no other.
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Friday, 21 January 2011
the dawn treader
I've been meaning to post something for a few days but just haven't got around to it. Not because I haven't had any time. Haven't worked since Monday, though I am working tomorrow. Sometimes it's hard not to be frustrated about shift work. I have all these days off during the week, and then tomorrow I will get up when it's still dark and work all day on a Saturday. Though to be fair, Brian has work to do tomorrow too. And we did have lots of quality time together this week. (thanks to a new game called Agricola- it's really fun, and pretty complicated- a birthday present from Mom and Dad Claus.) Like Mum says, I should just enjoy my time off- enjoy not being tired and stressed out from the busy ER- and have lots of time to think and relax and get little tasky things done. The work will come, it always does.
There was a coupon in the fliers for a one week free deluxe membership at the gym on campus so I did take advantage of that. Swam a few times, ran on the indoor track, even did an aerobics class. I'm not really one for gyms though. I didn't even go near the treadmills and weights. The aerobics class was okay, but I felt a bit uncoordinated. I liked the running inside though, on the track. And I do really enjoy swimming as well. It was nice, though, to do some indoor exercise in shorts or a bathing suit when its frigid outside.
We brought home some Dutch food that we got as a reward for making oliebollen for New Year's at the Dutch Shop... I just had a slice of gember koek. Mmmm. It's a rectangular brick of fairly dryish, dark rye cake with chunks of ginger in it. Not exactly gourmet, but I happen to think that it's delicious.
I think that I'm looking forward to spring this year more than any other year. Last year, we got engaged at about this time so I was really looking forward to summer. But at the same time, I needed lots of time to plan the wedding. This year- It's not that I'm not enjoying where we're at now. But I'm looking forward to a warm house, with windows open-- not having them sealed shit with insulating plastic. And having the temperature in here above 15 degrees so my fingers don't get so cold when I type, and and so that it's a mad dash to get out of warm sweaters and into bed at night. And just the spring flowers and greenery. But I think that this is a common phenomenon this time of year. The anticipation of spring, though it is a long way off still.
And winter has its own charms, its true. Sparkly snow and steamy hot drinks. Mittens and hats. Icy.
Also, in relation to the title of this post- Brian and I saw the Voyage of the Dawn Treader on Sunday night. It was excellent. I absolutely love Narnia. I think they could even be counted as my favourite books of all time. Aslan, oh Aslan..... "In your world, you will call Me by another name"-- the connections between Christianity and this fantasy world are multiple and beautiful and fantastic. I love it. And when Reepicheep crosses the wall of water to go to Aslan's Country, the tears were rolling. I couldn't help it. It was just such a beautiful picture of death not being death- of being a crossing to another better, more long awaited place. Something about the whole thing.. about Aslan standing there with the others, telling them it was not their time yet, and that they had unfinished work to do- all of it just made my heart burst. Narnia seems to do that to me for some reason. I feel a bit silly about it, but it's true, so why not embrace it? :)
and now, back to Newfoundland....
There was a coupon in the fliers for a one week free deluxe membership at the gym on campus so I did take advantage of that. Swam a few times, ran on the indoor track, even did an aerobics class. I'm not really one for gyms though. I didn't even go near the treadmills and weights. The aerobics class was okay, but I felt a bit uncoordinated. I liked the running inside though, on the track. And I do really enjoy swimming as well. It was nice, though, to do some indoor exercise in shorts or a bathing suit when its frigid outside.
We brought home some Dutch food that we got as a reward for making oliebollen for New Year's at the Dutch Shop... I just had a slice of gember koek. Mmmm. It's a rectangular brick of fairly dryish, dark rye cake with chunks of ginger in it. Not exactly gourmet, but I happen to think that it's delicious.
I think that I'm looking forward to spring this year more than any other year. Last year, we got engaged at about this time so I was really looking forward to summer. But at the same time, I needed lots of time to plan the wedding. This year- It's not that I'm not enjoying where we're at now. But I'm looking forward to a warm house, with windows open-- not having them sealed shit with insulating plastic. And having the temperature in here above 15 degrees so my fingers don't get so cold when I type, and and so that it's a mad dash to get out of warm sweaters and into bed at night. And just the spring flowers and greenery. But I think that this is a common phenomenon this time of year. The anticipation of spring, though it is a long way off still.
And winter has its own charms, its true. Sparkly snow and steamy hot drinks. Mittens and hats. Icy.
Also, in relation to the title of this post- Brian and I saw the Voyage of the Dawn Treader on Sunday night. It was excellent. I absolutely love Narnia. I think they could even be counted as my favourite books of all time. Aslan, oh Aslan..... "In your world, you will call Me by another name"-- the connections between Christianity and this fantasy world are multiple and beautiful and fantastic. I love it. And when Reepicheep crosses the wall of water to go to Aslan's Country, the tears were rolling. I couldn't help it. It was just such a beautiful picture of death not being death- of being a crossing to another better, more long awaited place. Something about the whole thing.. about Aslan standing there with the others, telling them it was not their time yet, and that they had unfinished work to do- all of it just made my heart burst. Narnia seems to do that to me for some reason. I feel a bit silly about it, but it's true, so why not embrace it? :)
and now, back to Newfoundland....
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| Pippy Park with the birthday boy |
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| morning coffee sun |
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
holidays 2010... pictured here
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| Family pic! We're all here-- this is pretty special |
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| Pouring some Kilkennys... a family affair |
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| two ducks |
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| my favourite men in the whole world |
Saturday, 1 January 2011
turn the page
Yesterday, it was the year two thousand and ten.
Today, it is two thousand and eleven.
First, to look back. What a year! I started off the year in Prince George with Brian and Mom and Dad Claus, Dave and Krista. We played some fun games and relaxed and talked and I don't even know if we realized when 2009 passed off to 2010. Sometimes things just sneak up on you.
Such as the ring and the question that Brian presented me with on January 24, 2010. Joyous.
March included a trip to Ontario to see my family after 7 months away and to celebrate with them.
April, May, June flew by- adventuring in Newfoundland, planning a wedding, looking forward to things to come. Yet still savouring the present. Being engaged was a special season.
July 31 I flew to Ontario to enter into my final two weeks of singlehood. They were an amazing whirlwind.
August 13 I walked down the aisle and Brian and I vowed to love and to cherish each other as long as we both shall live.
The days, weeks and months after that have been spent learning what those vows mean. Or to start learning, at least- its a lifetime journey. To love each other and build our marriage and our faith together as we learn just so, so much. It's hard to really say just how good its been. How challenging and stretching sometimes, but oh so good.
We went to Niagara Falls, to Huntsville, Algonquin Park. San Francisco, the California coast. Oregon. Monterrey Bay. And then, back to our St. John's. Our rugged wild foggy rock in the North Atlantic.
I feel like our roots are extending deeper into St. John's. Being away from it always helps me to see that, as we have spent our holidays in Grimsby. (and they have been great!). Seeing faces I have known for so long and spending time with family and seeing how everyone is doing and what's going on in their lives now... to really catch up.
More on all that later. In the mean time, happy new year!
2011- God, the one who sees the whole year ahead, holds us tightly as we enter into it.
Therefore, rest secure.
Today, it is two thousand and eleven.
First, to look back. What a year! I started off the year in Prince George with Brian and Mom and Dad Claus, Dave and Krista. We played some fun games and relaxed and talked and I don't even know if we realized when 2009 passed off to 2010. Sometimes things just sneak up on you.
Such as the ring and the question that Brian presented me with on January 24, 2010. Joyous.
March included a trip to Ontario to see my family after 7 months away and to celebrate with them.
April, May, June flew by- adventuring in Newfoundland, planning a wedding, looking forward to things to come. Yet still savouring the present. Being engaged was a special season.
July 31 I flew to Ontario to enter into my final two weeks of singlehood. They were an amazing whirlwind.
August 13 I walked down the aisle and Brian and I vowed to love and to cherish each other as long as we both shall live.
The days, weeks and months after that have been spent learning what those vows mean. Or to start learning, at least- its a lifetime journey. To love each other and build our marriage and our faith together as we learn just so, so much. It's hard to really say just how good its been. How challenging and stretching sometimes, but oh so good.
We went to Niagara Falls, to Huntsville, Algonquin Park. San Francisco, the California coast. Oregon. Monterrey Bay. And then, back to our St. John's. Our rugged wild foggy rock in the North Atlantic.
I feel like our roots are extending deeper into St. John's. Being away from it always helps me to see that, as we have spent our holidays in Grimsby. (and they have been great!). Seeing faces I have known for so long and spending time with family and seeing how everyone is doing and what's going on in their lives now... to really catch up.
More on all that later. In the mean time, happy new year!
2011- God, the one who sees the whole year ahead, holds us tightly as we enter into it.
Therefore, rest secure.
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