The way things are

It's blessedly quiet in the house right now and all I can hear is the slosh of the cars on the soggy street below, punctuated by the scrape of the plow every now and then. It's March 24 and Sheilagh's brush has hit us with a vengeance. I don't really mind too much though. It's been a long and cold winter here, the same as much of the rest of Canada. But I am so used to spring coming late here that more snow is expected, really.

Brian left at 4 am this morning for a whirlwind trip to Montreal.. he is meeting up with some fellow Canadian glider experts. That means I am home with the kids on my own for 2 days, but we can handle it. 2 days doesn't seem so bad as I have already had 3 solo parenting runs ranging from 5 days to 9 days since John was born. It's a bit lonely in the evenings, that's the hardest part... when I want to talk to someone who can speak in clear English and can wash and dress themself. Ha! But tomorrow morning a friend is coming over for waffle breakfast so that will be fun.

There's so much to say, and I sometimes feel like I should actually write more on this blog instead of just posting big batches of pictures every now and then. But I don't always know what to say, or how to say it. Or feel like talking about things at all, really. Looking back since I very first started this blog 7 years ago, my posts certainly have changed. My time to sit and reflect and ponder life has gone from long uninterrupted coffee shop stints to snippets here and there when the kids are in the stroller or that sacred small window right now when they are both napping. And then sometimes it's all I can do to make myself a nice little coffee and finally check my e-mail. Bronwen has a fascination with sitting in front of the computer and pressing all sorts of buttons, so I try to not turn the computer on when she is awake anymore. My time is better spent doing things with the kids or stuff around the house than going online too much anyway. But that means sometimes when I do sit down at the computer I just want to read all my favourite blogs and don't end up with much time to write down my own thoughts.

Sleep is the most challenging thing for us these days. I do confess that Bronwen was such an excellent sleeper as a baby that I think I got a little too cocky about it. I do remember thinking, 'hey, having a baby isn't so hard... why is everyone so tired? Why don't they have time for anything?' when she was sleeping long stretches at a young age. Ha! I have since learned that far more babies wake up than sleep that long... and John is one of those babies that wakes on the frequent end of the scale.

I've stressed about it, I've googled possible answers and methods of 'curing' him of his wake-ups. In that research, I've come across some interesting thoughts by all sorts of people. Babies wake up and cry. It's just what they do. As adults sometimes we get impatient because we want babies to fit our schedules... go to bed early in the evening so we can finally have some time to ourselves, sleep all the way till morning so we can finally get some sleep too. Maybe wake up once in the wee hours, have a quick feed, and sleep some more. But it often doesn't work like that. People always ask how babies sleep."Is he a good sleeper? Does she sleep through the night?" and it becomes almost a point of pride (see my previous comment re: Bronwen's (previously good) sleeping habits. But kids are all just so different. They are little people after all.. and we're all certainly quite different ourselves.

Still, I sometimes get anxious in the evenings wondering how our nights will go. How often will John wake up? Will Bronwen be up too? For a few months now, the answers to these questions have been 'lots' and 'yes'.
We've tried to let John cry a bit more.. but it's a lot harder with more than one child because the older one wakes up. We've tried going in at his every fuss but then we are usually up out of bed every hour all night.. sometimes even more. We've tried 'plugging' him with the soother.. before I go to nurse him yet again. He's slept in our bed, we've slept in his room, he's slept in his crib in his own room. White noise, soothers, swaddling, special blankets...
And the bottom line of all of this? Just gotta love the little guy and ride it out. Do what works. When he's 18, he won't be needing his mum or dad at night anymore (or maybe he will? Haha!). He's sprouting two teeth right now and also gearing up for crawling, so that doesn't make things much easier for our little man.
I hate being tired, being grumpy at my husband and my toddler. Two is a tricky age and demands a lot of patience from the parents.... which I am frequently running short on. But I just need to pray for strength and patience.. and sometimes, just to get through the day. Or even just the afternoon.

My wise husband told me that I should find joy in the little things, and that it will help me keep going. And it does. A delicious cup of coffee.. the caffeine helps too of course. Homemade treats, a walk in the sunshine, a sunny playgroup with other moms. Hilarious moments with the two kids, they make me laugh. Belly giggles. These are the simple things that give me joy.

This post  describes a little bit how I feel sometimes. The author says it well. I've got to try to remember where my strength needs to come from when there's a toddler howling in the night again, a baby waking up immediately after that, and a day filled with tantrums and tears. Phew.

Thanks for reading, friends!