Home sweet home

We just returned late Sunday night from our month long B.C. travelling extravaganza. Phew!

It was an awesome trip. So many family and friends who we got to see and catch up with. I think that we saw everyone we were hoping to see! So that is pretty special (plus a couple of bonus people along the way who we weren't expecting to see at all).

We have a lot of pictures, which I still need to sort through. That's always fun though, because it's a chance to relive all the fun vacation moments.

I was surprised at just how good it feels to be home. We stepped into our own house on Friday night and gave a collective sigh of relief. It is wonderful to travel and catch up with friends and family, many of whom very graciously allowed us to stay in their homes. But it's always nice to be home at the end of it all.

For at least my first year in St. John's, I was often pining for the west coast... at varying degrees of intensity. I had just moved there from an amazing year in Vancouver, from a year and a half in BC, and having never lived there before I was still in my 'honeymoon period' with the west coast, probably. I couldn't help but compare all the things I missed about Vancouver and Victoria with my new surroundings in St. John's. The friends I had left behind, the better weather and the mountains.. all of those things.

But now, almost 3 years after I moved here, I can really say that it feels like home. Sometimes I think it takes a good trip away to cement that in your mind. We have a great community here with good friends- many of whom have become like family, since our 'real' families are so far away. We have a cute little house and a gorgeous ocean to live beside (even though it can be very fierce!). We even have a garden and ate our first radishes this morning (they were quite small, but still!) We can do awesome hikes within a short drive, and there are cliffs instead of mountains. The bad weather makes you really appreciate the sun when it's out.. a sunny day in St. John's is so beautiful and the sky is so blue. I am thankful for this city.

Wherever you live there will always be quirks. We saw that on our trip as well. Some places are so gorgeous, but very isolated.. it's hard to get to family and friends. A city can be awesome, but it does take a long time to get anywhere. Living on an island means you have to deal with the ferry (well, we live on an island too, but we rarely drive off it). Produce might be cheaper and better, but gas and rent is more expensive. Little things like that.

What really matters is who you are with, and that you make where you are living home. To throw yourself into life there. Plug in and build relationships and get involved.  I needed to tell myself this a lot during the first while in St. John's. I still do.

Life is not easy no matter where you live. The wonderful thing about visiting those you love in person, after trying to catch up/ keep in touch over the phone, is that you really get to see how things are going for them. To chat over tea or supper or dessert and share struggles and joys and see where they are at. Thank you, friends, for sharing your hearts with us. It really means a lot. It makes the distance seem shorter.

in the mountains

I am writing this post on our 3rd last night in northern BC. Though, our vacation is only halfway through... still have the lower mainland to visit! Tomorrow we are taking the train back to Prince George, and after a couple of days there are headed down to Vancouver, Abbotsford and Victoria for more BC fun. Hurray for holidays, vacation, visiting and adventures!!


This is the view from where I am typing:

webcam shot- big tree, farm yard, snowy mountains and beautiful sky..

Not bad eh? Brian and Bronwen and I have had a lovely vacation so far. It started out with a pretty busy but awesome weekend with all members of the Claus family.. including all 7 grandchildren- aged 5,4,3,2,1, 4 months and 3 months. We have all aspects of early childhood covered ;). It was great to catch up and also enjoy some of the sites to see in Prince George. Real northern BC activities such as the Railway and Forestry Museum (with a mini railroad!), Cottonwood Island Park, where we had a great picnic; and a recreation area by the Nechako River where we had a campfire and delicious dinner (including smores!)

We don't get to see this side of our family much (even less than the Bergshoeffs) so it was great as the last time we were all together was at our wedding, almost 2 years ago. After our reunion extravaganza, Brian and I and Bronwen travelled with Mom and Dad C another 750 or so km west to the town of Terrace, BC- right in the coast mountains. This is where the Claus's make their new home.. it is on a lovely island in Terrace called Braun's Island, in the Skeena River- River Mist Farm. We had a very relaxing time here and got to drink lots of tea together, share some delicious meals, do a few hikes and picnics, and even venture out to Prince Rupert.

I love this area. it's just surrounded by wilderness. Every direction you look there are mountains. Wild spaces. Unexplored peaks. I see some of these mountains and I just feel this urge to climb them. This fascination with mountains started the first time I ever saw a real mountain, from the Greyhound bus at about 5 am as we drove through the Rockies on my way to Prince George for my first season of BC planting, in April 2006.

As I look now at the mountains, I remember something I read in one of my favourite books, Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. It goes something like this..

And these mountains, could they speak
Would thunder glory at their Maker
But instead stand silent
So that man's weak praise could be given God's attention

(I think I just made some of that up). But either way, that's kind of what I think when I look across the way at those hills.

These thousand hills roll ever on
Footprints of a mighty God
They bring me to my knees in praise
Amazing love, amazing grace
          -third Day- that one is for real ;)

I just noticed that my post about dear Chelsea has been looked at over 130 times. Maybe that is by the same person, I can't tell. But either way, her death has impacted us. It has impacted me. I think about her when I see a horse, when I think of swimming lessons, when I wrap Bronwen every night in the special blanket made by her mom Aunt Donna. I think about my Aunt Donna wrapping up her baby Chelsea every night and tucking her in to sleep and how she had to say goodbye 23 years later. I think and I wonder as I look at the mountains.

I lift my eyes up to the mountains
Where does my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth

He will not let your foot slip
He who watches over you will not slumber
He who watches over you will neither slumber nor sleep

He was watching over Chelsea. That is what is so hard to understand sometimes.

Lord, grant us Your peace.

A valley of shadows..

My heart is heavy today for my family in Ontario. This afternoon they will bury my cousin Chelsea Feddema. She was only 23.

Chelsea Anne Feddema

March 31, 1989- May 6, 2012

Chelsea died suddenly and tragically on Sunday afternoon, May 6. She was riding one of the family horses when the horse ran uncontrollably into the road and was hit by a truck. Chelsea was thrown off the horse and lost her life. There was an article about Chelsea in a local paper here. And here is a clip that was on the local news.

Just like that, snuffed out. How does one bury a child? It must be the worst imaginable thing for a parent. On Sunday night after Brian and I heard the news, we crept into our sleeping Bronwen's room and just watched her breathe for a few minutes. Our children are so precious. And we do not know how long God will give them to us for. Hopefully, we will not live to see them die before us. But some are only here for minutes, some for weeks, and some for many years less than we would hope. For Chelsea, it was 23 short years.

I keep thinking about that. How God knew it all. He knew before she was born that this would all happen. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. He knew when I talked to Chelsea 2 1/2 weeks ago at her mom's/ my aunt Donna's birthday party, that exactly 2 weeks later she would be gone from us. How can we understand it all?

My dad is making a slide show for Chelsea's funeral with this song. The words are very fitting. Faith is all we can cling to, there is nothing else. God, bring your comfort and peace and most of all, hope. 

Someone posted this on Chelsea's facebook page. I thought it was neat. It is from an actual poem which I can't find, but the words are beautiful..

 And just at the moment when someone says "she's gone" , there are other eyes watching

 for her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout "here she comes!"

Chelsea (second from right) and her family:
my cousins Elise, Travis and Leah, with Uncle Harold and Aunt Donna.
(photo courtesy JannyLynn Photography)

Pray for them!!


the LORD is my shepherd

I shall not be in want

He makes me lie down in green pastures

He leads me beside quiet waters

He 

restores

my

soul

And guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake

even though I 

walk through

the valley

of the shadow 

of death

I will fear no evil

for you are with me

Your rod and your staff

they comfort me

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies

you anoint me head with oil

my cup overflows

surely goodness and

mercy

will follow me

all the days 

of my life

and i will dwell 

in the house

of the LORD

FOREVER

A much needed update!

It's about time that I showed myself on here again! Seeing as it's been over a month.. a lot has happened!

The most noteworthy event of the past month was my trip to Ontario with Bronwen. Brian let his ladies go away for 10 days to do lots of meeting and visiting in Ontario. It was very special.

Bronwen got to meet Grandpa B for the very first time... here we are at the baggage claim in the airport..

a picture says a thousand words...

And see Grandma B again!

here they are together

My brother Jonny and his lovely girlfriend Rebecca also came home so we got to spend some time together as well. It was really neat to see Uncle Jonny with his (favourite) niece!

I also was able to introduce Bronwen to her great Opa and Oma Bergshoeff. This was really neat to see. As Opa said, they will probably not be there to see her all grown up. One day I will show her these pictures and tell her about her great Opa and Oma (though maybe they will still be around, right Opa? :)

It was special to spend time with family, and introduce them all to our little girl. Bronwen was able to develop her social self to the limit... she seems to enjoy people and faces and smiling and 'talking'. It was pretty fun for her to have so many people around. I think now she is bored with just her mama for the majority of the day now.... well, not really I guess. But I'm not as funny as grandpa! ;)

with Ruth.

I didn't get pictures of Bronwen with Tara, or Salena, or Aunt Marion or Aunt Donna, or many of the other family members or people at church. But she definitely met a lot of new faces! It was interesting, because I was coming back to my hometown, to the church that I attended for most of my childhood, to our family home and to so many familiar people. But amidst all that stability and all of those memories, there was a huge  change in my life- little Bronwen. It makes for a lot of reflection and thoughts on how things just keep on changing and life rolls ever onward....

In a couple of weeks we are going to travel again.. this time with our whole little family. Out west to the wilds of beautiful British Columbia. To see Grandma and Grandpa Claus, and more aunts and uncles and cousins and friends. And Auntie Lindi is coming this weekend. Life is good!

Steaming mugs and thoughts

I would like to be writing this post with a steaming mug of coffee.

Though, Bronwen might wake up when I grind the coffee beans.

I'll risk it. She is a good sleeper-inner these days (like her dad!).

.... five or so minutes pass....

Alright, the French press is standing tall with some lovely decaf.. and some silky soy milk vanilla creamer. Brian is a purist when it comes to coffee and drinks his black.. as does my lovely Swedish friend (do you still Lisa?) but I prefer varying amounts of sugar and milk or cream, depending on my mood and what is available. And if there is flavoured cream/milk... I do quite enjoy it.

I haven't talked about it much, because I feel somehow that it will backfire on me, but dare I quietly say that, right now (because I know this can change quickly), Bronwen is an excellent sleeper, and she even sleeps through the night!! There, I whispered it to you, because I am kind of proud of our little lady! We put her in her crib awake, when it's time for bed, but I guess she has somehow decided that it is a nice place to be and stays there contentedly until about 6 30 am. The fact that she has found her thumb is immensely helpful in all of this, I feel. Most of the time when I go to feed her in the mornings she is voraciously sucking her thumb with her eyes closed. It has crossed my mind that we will be wheedling and pleading with her to give it up in about 4 years, but that's okay. Here and now, it is wonderful for, as they say in baby circles, 'self-soothing'.

I read an interesting blog post the other day: you can find it here. I don't know the writer personally but it is one of the blogs that I read in my blog reading roster. It is honest and real and it really made me think. I know that I only have one baby, the author has three. But it really inspired me to take the time.

Right now, it is easier. Bronwen isn't as fussy as she was before, I have some quiet moments in the morning, and I feel more energized because we're both sleeping better at night. But this will all change again, I'm sure. Especially if the good Lord does bless us with more children (not in the near future... don't get any ideas! haha).

But I really do need wisdom. And guidance. We have this little girl, she has been given to us by God, but really is His all along. (we are having Bronwen dedicated on Sunday, but more on that later). What a monumental task parenthood is. And I have been realizing that we as parents, that I as a mother cannot teach Bronwen to love God and follow Him if I am not setting that example myself, and living it out every day. Even if she is too young to understand any of this yet. I do believe that she can sense it when I am feeling content and at peace. And maybe Bronwen can even sense that God is near... I hope that she can feel His love through our love to her as parents.

How do people really do this, anyway? How do you sit around a table with your children in 20 years and think, 'they turned out pretty well!'. Why do some people's children just seem to be so... good... well adjusted... all that. And other people seem to have 'all the problems in the book' with their kids, even though they are 'perfectly nice people' themselves. I say all this in quotes, because it is really all about perspective, and who is to really say if people turn out alright, if they are 'good' or 'bad' or even, gasp, the black sheep of the family..

It all comes down to God again, doesn't it? And the T-word... trust. We put our children into His hands... and He walks beside us. Through it all.

i love this picture. i love these two. our little Newfoundlander had her first walk down by the boats last Sunday. 

a new look

I have been admiring other people's nice blogs.. and decided to try and make mine a little more personalized. So here goes. I made up a title page.. with some key pictures from my life's journey in the last few years..

Also, some pictures of Bronwen. Because we love her.

"I don't know who you think you are, but this is my bath and my room...."- to the baby on the diaper box

this...is.. how.... high -I-can-hold-my-head up! Phew!!  (excuse the greasy hair. trying out some olive oil for a flaky scalp)

 I feel slightly proud of my domestic pursuits lately, but would rather showcase them here than on facebook. You people know me better than they do.

Yogurt, homemade. Yogurt started with plain store-bought yogurt, 2 tbsp full.. and milk. Heat and cook in yogurt cooker for 10 hours (thanks Mom Claus!)= deliciousness

Granola bars. Oats, soybeans, sunflower and sesame seeds, raisins and apricots. I know you can buy them at the store... but still, these are pretty delicious... 

Musings on Milk 'to go'

Having a baby certainly opens up a whole new world, with many topics and issues that I never really thought about before Bronwen came into our life.

One of them is breastfeeding, and more specifically, breastfeeding in public.

I am the type of person who really doesn't like to be cooped up inside the house. I enjoy being home, and puttering around the house, but I like to get out at least once every day. Even if the weather is awful- which, it often is here in St. John's! (as a side note, it's sunny today- so I am enjoying that- blue skies are always welcome even if it's still bitterly cold out! I'm trying not to be jealous of the warmth in the rest of the country).

Anyway, my need for activities means that I had to get comfortable with breastfeeding Bronwen outside of our house pretty quickly. The very first time I did so was when she was 5 days old. Brian and I were waiting in Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up a prescription. We had a hungry baby. And had to stick around for at least 25 minutes to wait for the prescription. It seemed silly to go home and then come back. So, I saw down in the chairs by the pharmacy, clumsily fumbled under a blanket to get all the parts in order, and fed Bronwen. It was probably pretty obvious that I was breastfeeding her, given that there was a brightly patterned receiving blanket draped over my front and two very small feet sticking out the one side of it. Still, I don't think anyone really noticed. Or did they? Maybe they were starting at me... but I was too tired to really care.

I have read a lot of comments from people online, in forums and groups, blogs and other writings, that breastfeeding in public is still very controversial. This can be quite dependent on where you live in Canada. For example, the Atlantic provinces have the lowest breastfeeding rates. An interesting publication by Statistics Canada shows that Newfoundland has the very lowest breastfeeding initiation rate (as in, starting right from day 1 in the hospital), at 63% (compared to 93% in BC!). This is shocking considering that most of the problems with breastfeeding lie in keeping with it, not the first few days in the hospital. (those numbers are from 2003, so maybe things have changed...). At 6 months, only 9% of mothers were exclusively breastfeeding in Newfoundland, compared to the highest rate 28% in BC. Still only just over a quarter. Interesting, considering that the WHO (World Health Organization) recommends continuing breastfeeding until age 2 or beyond. (that's something else to think about... personally I can't picture breastfeeding a 2 year old in public. That's more likely to be a bedtime thing or something)..

If you look in the news, breastfeeding is there too. For example, this recent article about an Edmonton politician/mother, and more about the same story here. Even celebrities cause people to take notice when they nurse babies in public (good for them, I say!).

But, back to the feeding in public- so far, I have not had any negative experiences. No one has come up to me and asked me to stop, or to cover up Bronwen. Mind you, there's not really much to cover up. I can get her latched on pretty much under my shirt, and then her body covers my belly and her head covers most of my chest. It's just the one side, anyway.
I can see how things would be more difficult if your 'equipment' was larger, however. In my case, everything is pretty compact, so it is easier to be discreet. This means that I have a portable milk bar that is fast and convenient.
And maybe, when she is older and bigger and more obvious, I will attract more attention. We'll see.

Interesting to note is the fact that I have never, since Bronwen was born at least, seen anyone else nursing in a public place. Where are all the breastfeeding mamas with little babies? Are they trapped in their houses? Or maybe, they just don't stand out because really, nursing in public is not that big of a deal. Maybe I haven't noticed them tucked away in the corners. (and I wasn't really looking before it was something I was doing myself).

There is a lot to write about this topic. What about the question of exposed breasts to nurse a baby vs all the sexual images all over the place?  Or the way formula companies subtly discourage breastfeeding? Or the guilt that moms feel if they are having trouble breastfeeding?

 Have you ever seen anyone breastfeeding in public? I'm curious.