weekend togetherness

I'm sitting here at our kitchen table quite content. It's raining outside, on top of the snow and slush.. it's grey and brown and there's not a speck of green out there on this April 2. But that's alright.

I am happy that it's the weekend. I'm glad that last night, after a failed movie attempt and some waffling around over plans, I ended up staying in with Brian and making dessert together. Bananas Foster. Yummy- it involves bananas, Dutch banana liquer, brown sugar and butter and vanilla ice cream... and lighting all of the above on fire (minus the ice cream). Fun!

Saturday mornings at our house involve crepes and jam, coffee and goodness. It's becoming a little tradition that I love. Even if Brian has to go in to school like he did today, it's still a chance to linger over steaming coffee together and bask in weekend relaxedness. Also makes me appreciate days off, since I work some Saturdays and a lot of weekdays.

Mom and Dad Claus are coming in 3 weeks and I'm looking forward to having some family time! Sometimes its a bit lonely on this island when our closest rellies are 3000 km away.

Looking forward to spring so very much. It's sneaking up on us very slowly. The days are longer. The furnace doesn't fire up quite as much. There's not quite as much of a chill in the air. Yesterday I walked for about 20 minutes without a toque (before it got too chilly again). It feels so strange to walk around bare-headed. I can't even imagine exposing my white legs in shorts! Haha. Or a T-Shirt- what does that feel like again?

I am thankful for the flexibility of my job right now and that I can avoid working a lot of nights and weekends-- a rarity for nursing. I'm glad that I can be in church on Sundays and in my own bed at night.

A very happy anniversary to my dear Mum and Dad today-- 28 years together. Love you both so much and so thankful for your marriage. I know you will have an awesome time roadtripping down in Arizona next week. Off into the sunset you go!

So there's a lot to be thankful for. I had a bit of a rough time recently. learning to be patient- what else is new.. I tend to be a bit impatient sometimes. And then get a whole string of events planned out in my head of how things might end  up being. Need to be reminded once again that it's not up to me.. and sometimes there's nothing I can do but watch and wait and learn and be still. Treasuring the here and now, while acknowledging the 'wait' and 'not yet'...

March days

Hello there.

It's been a while since I've posted anything on here. March has been full of snow, lots of working and studying, a bit of colds and snuffles and a stomach bug. Snowshoeing, long hours, yummy new dishes, good friends. A bit of missing people. Windy days. A birthday and cake. Lots of hot tasty beverages.

Feeling hopeful for spring. For flowers and buds and new growth and new life. Winter is long on the edge of the North Atlantic.

I'm not really feeling particularly inspired to write anything here, but I just wanted to let you know that I was still here. If anyone was wondering. :)

More to come.

In like a lion...

Yet in the swirling winds and blowing snow we still find grace.

Yesterday, as i walked through that muted light that comes just before dawn, the sun was rising. Amidst the cold and blue, that golden ball of light, surrounded by pink clouds, and rising above our hill overlooking the ocean. Glimpse of glory.

All of creation declares Your glory.

Recent hike- Maddox Cove, East Coast Trail

sometime soon, I will get up and take pictures of that glorious sunrise :)

Not just your ordinary chocolate sprinkles..

we brought these back from the Dutch shop as part of our 'post-Olibollen grocery haul'-- and can I just say... that with a spackling of butter on some fresh white bread, or a bun as I had just now-- they are delicious. Mmmm.
The Dutch are very wise.

It's snowing.. again. Well sort of raining at the same time. Only in Newfoundland.

Come on sun. It's okay though, these grey days. Such is life on the coast.

That's all for today.

the one I love

Yesterday, Valentine's Day. The day of love in all the red and pink, frilly sense of it-- fluffy teddy bears, overly iced cupcakes, cinnamon hearts and paper cutout cards. I still remember in elementary school- the paper 'mailboxes' on our desks, "one for everyone or none at all", cartoon character cards and the one mysterious boy in the class who would always sign with a question mark rather than his name. Brandon, I know it was you. The skating at the arena.. secretly my worst nightmare. The girl who grew up in semi-tropical New Zealand during the formative 'learning how to skate" years... could only really timidly, stiffly glide carefully around the rink and hope, hope I wouldn't fall. And hold on for dear life when everyone made those chains that whipped the poor person on the end around the corners at lightning speed. And marvel at everyone else who skated as easily as they walked. And blush furiously the whole way around the rink when I did skate with one boy, anticipating the teasing on the bus home that afternoon. Derek, you were always a good friend, but I'm glad we both found the right person. :)

And now, here I am. 14 years later on Feburary 14. With the one I love.

That morning was a rough one. Tears and frustrations and he held me close and comforted me- "I'm here". And he really is. The trust between us only grows stronger.

A day at home, a day at work. Cleaning the house and gaining fresh perspective and scrubbing away doubts and worries and fears. Blue sky and fresh snow, renewed hope. A big pot of warming winter stew to greet him on the stove.

And when I get home, after walking under the stars in the cold winter night- candles to warm my heart. The taller lit by us 6 months earlier as we vowed to each other- to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live. What does that mean, from day to day? We only learn that more and more as the days and months and if we are blessed with them, years, go by. When the everyday life crowds out the precious moments together, remembering to step back and see the bigger picture. Just like that morning. Learning to let go of trivial things. Looking out for the other and just loving, to LOVE. There is far more struggle and sacrifice and serving and pure, true joy in that word, that verb, that indescribable gift, than I ever knew and will ever know.

The wooing teapot, same one he poured tea with  for me three years ago in Victoria when our love was just a spark. Cake and strawberries and custard- he knows what I like. He knows me.

To be loved and to love in return. Thank you.

where you invest your love, you invest your life.

blessed.

foodie stuff

I worked last night and so I spent the day puttering today. Got home, slept for a couple hours. Went to do groceries. Baked a date loaf (thanks Mum for the recipe- it turned out great!). Homemade pea soup for dinner.. I love making large batches of things and putting a yogurt container full in the freezer. We don't have a full freezer at all, but there's been a container or two of leftovers in there lately which is nice. I made this pea soup before Christmas and it still tastes good.

And now a cup of tea and the recipe books open in front of me. I was kind of stumped at the grocery store today. My mum sometimes would say that she didn't know what to make for dinner, and she remembers her mum doing the same thing.. and I am starting to do the same thing now. Really it's not quite the same- I don't have 3 or 5 kids to feed like they did. Also, when I work a day shift I'm not home for supper, or Brian is late at school- and we often have leftovers. But still... I make the same things a lot and I'd like to branch out. I have the time to do it and we have probably hundreds of recipes on our shelf, just waiting to be explored...

Right now I'm reading More with Less- it's a classic, though I had actually never heard of it till I met my dear husband. He was raised on many of the recipes from this book, during some of the leaner years of a pastor's family... lots of beans (we both love beans). The front cover of the book says- "A world community cookbook- Recipes and suggestions by Mennonites on how to eat better and consume less of the world's limited food resources". Sounds good to me.

I've been making a lot of stir fries... with carrots and peppers and curry, and shrimp.. whatever we have in the fridge really. Lots of Asian stuff I guess... I tried out Pad Thai again last week which I haven't done for a while (due to a bad experience with old bean sprouts, haha)- it wasn't bad. And then there is always pasta with tomato sauce and veges, or soup. I was making more soups last fall. And the classic lemon pepper baked fish with potatoes and peas. Yummy. but I'd like to try some new stuff.

My culinary wheels are rolling... I really embrace the 'cooking/baking' part of being a wife. In the fact that I always have an eager recipient to cook for.. it's fun. It's nice that he cooks a fair bit too :)

handsome husband does Movember...and to think I was fully consenting of this moustache!
haha.. ps- Brian made the pear gratin

life and death

What a day.

So busy at work- I could've cried. Too much to do. Too many patients. Three pokes at three ropey veins in a little old lady's arm. No blood. In the hallway, too. Not the worst thing, but just one of many things.

Then at 5 minutes to shift change. Right before my twelve hours here is over. Woman comes in, something's not right. Normal ultrasound today, now something is dreadfully wrong. Gush of fluid. Get her in, get her on the stretcher, doctor and two RN's in there... the baby is coming out. But the baby has only been in that warm, safe, secret place for 19 weeks.

But he or she is coming out. That tiny little life. Not ready for outside life yet. Quick, get obstetrics. Luckily they're just down the hall. "I'm sorry, you've lost the baby". She starts to weep. And weep. We call in the husband, he's there, holding her hand and speechless and so awkward and helpless. "We prayed for so long" "Seven years trying, no drugs, no treatments, just hope." Finally, this long awaiting pregnancy, and now their hope and their dream is leaving her body, their arms, their life. Husband says, "don't worry sweetie. We can try again. We can try again." What else can he say? I start her IV. Saline drips in, then oxytocin. What cannot be put back in their rightful spot is now stuck in limbo, and must come out.

I look down. Baby's feet and legs. Tiny little legs, but so unmistakeably fully formed little limbs. You knit me together in my mother's womb. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Even if none of those days were in a mother's arms, only from beneath a mother's heart and straight up to heaven. A Father's arms.

Tears down my face. Down our doctor's face, holding the woman's hand as she likely feels her own 20 week old life kicking inside. Trying to be strong, but not hiding our grief for them. This is empathy and this is our job and sometimes it touches the very soul.

I come out of the room to get some warm blankets. Then the tears flow. The charge nurse sees me come out and leads me away and puts her arm round my shoulder. I stand stunned at the desk.

Meanwhile the 45 year old woman in 19 has no idea that her 6 week gradually increasing, now excruciating headache is from an ever growing tumour. Simple outport Newfoundlanders... she is stomach-sick, not nauseous, and she just takes the tyl'nol and hopes it will go away. But it didn't. And now, it likely won't. More death.

I leave the hospital and I walk through the snow and go find my husband and hug him as tight as I can. And cry. "I'm here".

Death and tears... love and life.

What a day.


I have tried to leave out any identifying details for the sake of patient confidentiality. But it is all true. And it all happened very recently. This is a job like no other.