those summer nights

Summer is winding down. There seems to be a sense of urgency as the weekends approach- 'quick! get out there! do something!' And indeed, Vancouver is giving snippets of its rainy days to us- throwing one in here and there, a reminder of the impending winter- 'this is what's coming, folks, so enjoy the sunshine while you can.'

And indeed I will try to do just that. Yesterday a dear friend surprised me on my porch as I arrived home from a somewhat gruelling dentist apppointment. (I've had worse, but never had a cavity filled while wearing a 'rubber dam', equivalent to having an uninflated balloon stretched over your entire mouth and being told to breathe through your seemingly too-small nostrils while 4 hands cram their way into your already obstructed mouth). But, back to the sun- I went with Nancy down to the park, and we sat on a blanket and talked. And fell asleep in the glorious sunshine while those mountains which I love to talk about loomed across the water.

I really can't believe that today is August 22. It seems that each month goes by even faster than the one before. Am I getting old in that I keep questioning 'where has the time gone?' Is this something that comes with working, especially working in these 4 day chunks where I disappear into the hospital world, then emerge for my days off and leave Vancouver as I have done the last couple times? Either way, change is coming again. But I'm really looking forward to it. At the end of the month I'm moving out- moving across the city, in with some people who I already know and find quite fantastic. It'll be nice to live in a busy place sometimes as much as it'll drive me nuts occassionally too. And I need to find a church and get some roots put down somewhere. Living in a place that I'll be in longer than 3 months, finding a community that I won't be subconsciously already leaving before I even start going there... I think both will work wonders for feeling a little more settled in this place. Which I'll need as fall comes, life goes on, and some people very important to me are very far away.

Life is good though. got much to be thankful for.

Into the wilds

Great weekend. 2 friends plus a good hike and some mountainsides, a cold lake, lots of greenery, packs and boots, and a glorious campsite named Vomit Vista. (glorious view, not glorious for flat spots to put the tent).

The rain was there, all night, which did put a damper on things... But I was actually enjoying hiking out of there in the morning with the rain pouring down and my coat and rain pants and boots on and that sort of closed-in feeling that you get walking with a hood on when its raining- thinking about how it was good we were on our way out not in. (I didn't tell Alex I was enjoying that moment because I think she was thinking otherwise with some leaky boots). Plus the dates and figs and chocolate were so so good.

Now back to work. During the new grad sessions they told us about "stages of reality shock" when you first start this job. I think that I have entered the Shock stage (preceded by Honeymoon, followed by Recovery and Resolution). Description of this stage, straight from my handouts, is as follows..

" Decreased motivation, high anxiety, no sense of humour at work, overly sensitive, people leave their jobs and sometimes the profession if they don't make it through this stage. 'Deer in headlights.' Role frustration, increased fatigue, isolation."

Well. At least I can diagnose myself. I think my main goal right now should be just to get through each shift, get everything done I need to do, and make it home alive.

It'll come. I hope. Just have to be patient. There's a lot of things to be patient about lately it seems.

bleary eyes

Nights are weird. But I'm getting used to them. I worked all day today, but I'm fighting sleep tonight so I can sleep more tomorrow. So far its going okay.

Today was good. First day on my own. It felt good. When I get a little faster I think it'll feel even better.

The sunshine in this city was glorious today. Just fantastic. Gotta soak it up cause the rains are coming... it's kind of like this feeling of impending doom. But I think it'll have its own charms... hopefully. Tea inside with a biscuit? Mmm. Biking in the rain? Ummm.. sure. actually we'll see about that one. I don't know if I can be as hardcore as I was in Victoria.

plink plink ouch

Playing the guitar is therapeutic.

I can now play 2 songs, 1 week into this thing, starting from scratch-
leaving on a jet plane... and brown-eyed girl (though I prefer blue-eyed boy).

They don't sound spectacular, but it's a start.
More to come.

whirlwind

I don't really know how this summer is flying by so fast. Next Friday is August. Not really sure how I feel about that. It was a different sort of summer to begin with. Feels like it started in April, with a month of leisurely 'studying' but more hanging around. Them May turned into 'study during the weekdays, have fun on the weekends'. June was go back to ON- go up to PG- try to figure out my Vancouver life. And July has been more of the latter. With a lovely visit from my dear Pink Flamingos Lindi and Lisa thrown in the mix.

So where does that leave me? Well. 1 month till I move again. Looking forward to living with Hillary and the YWAM peeps. Looking forward to seeing dear friends Nancy and Alex again in August. And hanging out with B more.

And also- getting thrown out of the new grad program at the hospital- August 4 I am ON MY OWN. I'll get up to that 7th floor ortho trauma unit, look on the assignment boad, and see 4-6 patients with MY name in front of them and no one else. Scary. Really scary. But I can do it. There will be many frustrations along the way, and I think I'll learn a lot of stuff the hard way. But I think I'll be ready.

letters

It would not be accurate nor fair to leave you, my few and faithful readers with the labile emotional state which I found myself in nearing the end of last week. (Speaking of readers, I have very little faith in your numbers slash existence, mostly due to the fact that this blog is not publicized anywhere, particularly not on facebook. But that is fine with me. Those who find this may read it, that's how I like it anyway.)

Funny, life is. Funny how you can work yourself into a giant ball of frustration and anger and impatience, and to spend time making up ridiculous scenarios in your head of why things are the way they are. Only to have a pin poked through that balloon and it deflate rapidly by the mere plain and simple, logical explanations of life. People are busy. Things happen. Change. Self- pity doesn't get you anywhere.

I was bemoaning the fact that I felt I had no one to hang out with the other night, when I came across a quote. It went something like this,

"If you feel lonely, forget about yourself. Start pouring your heart, soul, and mind into loving God and those people He has placed around you. Your life will be so full, there will be no time to sing the blues." (words of Steve Shadrach, '4 Songs that SIng the Blues")

So I took that advice. I got some paper, planted myself on the couch, and wrote a letter to a dear friend who I know loves to get mail, as she is living the sometimes hell-sometimes bliss-always extreme life of treeplanting in northern Alberta. And it's always nice to have a letter sitting at the end of that supper table waiting for you after a long, dirty, sweaty day. So I hope I could give her some sunshine.

Also, my roomie came out and sat on the couch with me, and we had a good chat. Which doesn't happen all that much, as our lives pretty much criss-cross each others.

So the adjustment phase continues. Transition. Work is overwhelming but fulfilling and exhilarating at the same time. I have friends coming soon from the east, to see my life in the west. Going back to my lovely island in a week and a half, and also looking forward to a joyful reunion when that happens. :) I've found 2 good churches here in Vancouver, and though it depends on where I live in the fall as far as where I go, it's nice to know they're out there. August is looking lovely for some trips to neat places and quality time spent with quality people.

So that is that. Onward I go.

the city on the ocean

.. don't really know what to say.

it's been a little rough lately.

i'll get through.

hopefully.